Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Picnic Baskets
There is joy
In a picnic basket
Romance
Familial bonds
Like a jar of peanut butter
And a jar of jelly
It is a chance
To come together
And make something
Sticky
To make something
Grand
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
gregwa8
Tue, 2018-06-19 02:02
thanks, MarkL!
thanks, MarkL!
raj
Tue, 2018-06-19 05:44
Hi Greg
since I'm learning how to critique, I hope you will consider this as a positive attempt in that direction
1. The title Picnic basket is great also revealing what to expect...i liked that as an element of surprise
2. I find repetition of words in few verses which if you want can be easily fixed...here is a suuggestion:-
Like a jar of peanut butter
And a jar of jelly
Like a jar of peanut butter
and a can of jelly
....................................
And make something Sticky
To make something Grand
And make something Sticky
beyond the picnic time
........................................................
I did not understand why you chose to capitalize first alphabets of every line
thanks for reading
...............................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)