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By The Fall
like looseleaf
going over
a waterfall
this ambling pen writes
into white water
words that tumble
into the depths
of humanity and heartbreak
the dark roil
and staring
into hungry fishes'
unblinking eyes
they've seen so much
(all the river carries)
submerged
in sorrow
and when not caught
in their gaping maws
seen them resurface
to amble again
just the same
but changed
by the fall
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
zebra
Sun, 2019-06-30 12:42
Hi Greg
This is stronger writing than I remember
what do you prefer
words that tumble
words tumble
into depths.....this is paired down; less gilded like
into the depths
of humanity and heartbreak
heartbreak ….I like simple words but they kill a poem sometimes when they are so overused or not sonically interesting I mean how many times have you heard the term?
Does it make the write predictable?
Do you think predictable language shuts the reader down literally putting them to sleep?
think of alternatives
crushed souls, loveless , pitiless, smashed, mutilated , a cold knife heart. a fallen rose
of humanity; fallen rose
is the above to the point ...do you like its symbolic power, is it synesthetic/ can you smell its fragrance and feel the pain?
Best Z