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Silencing the Owl in the Meadows (Re-write for workshop on Cliches and their use)
Silence is pristine
but this was a bizarre night
my mind was on a juggernaut
thoughts running wild
I wish I was at peace
not bitching about you
rather singing a lullaby
to salve my sinking soul
You had me blindfolded
in the dark web of your desire
blinding me in its lightning
just for a thunderous clap
In search of a sanctuary to quench
my thirst with your liquid passion
I chased each eluding mirage
like a Stag in search of his Mate
Too many tricks of your devilish schemes
vanished like nine pins in a hurry
when your silken gown was laid
your orchard had no Cherry
You'd breezed into my life with pocketful of seeds
to green my meadows in fall
I was waiting for spring to lush my fields
to sprinkle them with your lustful charm
Spring was short and summer too harsh
for the seeds of love to sprout
my fields were marooned in torrid rain
soon my Garden of Eden was drowned
The rains have ceased, I've braved the chills
in the winter of my ruby dreams
while I pull a rug to salve my soul
from the stains on your silken gown
Silence is pristine than ever before
I've stopped chasing your shadows
and curse you under my easy breath
to silence the owl in the meadows...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
raj
Sun, 2011-06-26 11:13
Chrys
thank you for your time to visit this write and for your appreciative comment...
you have urged me to join the olympic pool but i thought i am already in there...this is because as proposed by you, i did submit this re-write by selecting "worshop on cliches" in the drop down menu under workshops at the bottom before saving / publishing this re-write...in fact as a precaution i have also mentioned "re-write for workshop on cliche"....please confirm if this re-write is a valid entry ...
regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Mon, 2011-06-27 12:42
Thanks Chrys for the
Thanks Chrys for the clarification...so how do i go on from here?...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentBonitaj
Sun, 2011-06-26 14:35
RAJ!
I agree with Chrys, this is an absolute gem and I was hard pressed to find many cliches at all!
Just one jarring feature for me was the tense in the second stanza, viz. 'singing a lullaby' not 'sing'
Nice write!
Boni
Bonitaj
raj
Sun, 2011-06-26 15:47
Hi Boni...
thanks for your time and appreciative comment and also for your valid suggestion...i will get it done right away....
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Sun, 2011-06-26 21:27
though wonderful
you could perhaps avoid using
salve and pristine
twice...... perhaps u could trace suitable syns
gr8 poetry with no sins
maybe
save and
clean
would suffice too
loved
raj
Mon, 2011-06-27 12:44
Loved
thank you for your comment ,,,appreciation and suggestions ....i am not sure if pristine and salve are cliches...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Mon, 2011-06-27 21:45
Nor do I know
did i say so?
The two words repeated ,
appeared as limitations...
of the English dictionary,
aka language....
hence i requested
yours is the verdict
well done Raj
you shall wear the Taj!
loved
lou
Mon, 2011-06-27 14:48
Raj
Much more original, can't really detect the cliches, good word use.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
raj
Mon, 2011-06-27 14:56
thank you Lou for your
thank you Lou for your comment about originality...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Mon, 2011-06-27 21:46
Creativity alone is
O R I G I N A L I T Y eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
loved
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2011-06-28 02:08
raj
I thought this was lovely and creative not a hint of ckiche'
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
raj
Tue, 2011-06-28 14:03
thank you Barbara for your
thank you Barbara for your appreciative comment...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Tue, 2011-06-28 09:40
when your silken gown was laid your orchard had no Cherry
when your silken gown was laid
.......your orchard had..... no Cherry
simply virginous
tooooo good
to believe it..........
loved
raj
Tue, 2011-06-28 14:05
loved...thank you for
loved...thank you for commenting on the like "when your silken gown was laid your orchard had no cherry"...you have said that you find this line "simply virginous" when it is supposed to mean quite the opposite...lol...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Tue, 2011-06-28 15:01
ALL MY LIFE
I have been the opposition leader
do read my late entry
on Cliches what....
I wonder if it conforms to laid down norms
the gown could be Fippppppas.... or some such one
and the cherry,
of a virgin
that's what i though
Sorry no offence was meant
unintentional ....
loved
raj
Tue, 2011-06-28 15:32
you thought correctly but you
you thought correctly but you missed the "no" in "your orchard had no cherry" which wouldn't mean virginous would it?...lol
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentloved
Wed, 2011-06-29 17:25
NO LOVE CHERRY
NO, I Did not miss the ....No
i read it so
hadn't i commented?
there wouldn't have been a dialogue ,
between u and me ,
which has since erupted
and the cherrieeeeeeeeeeee................................
has finaly bursted
its a pleasure reading u
i create poetry
from what i learn from each one here
PUNN INTENTED AND INCLUSIVE....
VIRGINITY IS ELUSIVE
AS OF TODAY.....
and we all know it......
please re read my cliche poem
with a nighytly park kind of a vision
i see gaily ....//////daily here
performed on park's benches. daily
openly and fearlessly
loved
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-07-01 11:30
Dear Raj,
You have made a thing of beauty out of a list of nasty boring cliches. And a beautiful job you have done of it! Your personality has swept away all those ugly lines with a poem to be treasured.
Silence is pristine than ever before
I've stopped chasing your shadows
and curse you under my easy breath
to silence the owl in the meadows...
Always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
raj
Fri, 2011-07-01 14:39
Dear Cat
thank you for your inspiring and encouraging comment which is much appreciated ..more so because you have taken the effort to type it even when one of your hands has been hurt....i feel happy to know you liked it....
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentHooded Stranger
Fri, 2011-07-01 14:42
Damn!
Raj,
this has got to be the winning entry...it is an absolute quality piece.
Favourite line:
my mind was on a juggernaut
thoughts running wild
Don't know why I liked that line, but it works a treat for me.
A superb job of sifting through the mess of your first version (no offence, all our first poems were a mess) and making this little wonder,
regards,
HS
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raj
Fri, 2011-07-01 15:00
Dear Dan
i can well imagine how busy you must be with your active involvement as part of various workshop teams besides of course your work..your band and your website...so i thank you for your time to visit this write and your "pat on the back" comment which is much appreciated..good to know you liked some of those lines...this workshop certainly set me back from a state of inertia which i had to encounter for a while...
regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Sat, 2011-07-02 12:19
Dearest JayCee
thank you for the read and your appreciative comment..moments back i read your fine write which is very fluid and i enjoyed it thoroughly...
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Sat, 2011-07-02 12:17
Ian
thank you for the read of both the cliched and un-cliched versions and for your appreciative comments and suggestions about reading them aloud...don't know if i will make a podium finish but i did have a lot of fun, enjoyed the exercise and found this workshop to be thoughtfully designed to make a point about the use / overuse of cliches...
warm regards..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author comment