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A Rewrite Of A Cliched Poem

Come Running

You take my affections for granted
Thinking that I will always be there for you
Making a mockery of our relationship
What once we had is almost gone
Because of your light handling
Showing me a lack of respect at best
I can see why your other lovers left you behind
As you treat us all the same
Wearing your blinders on love's trail
You assume if you keep dancing
You can't be pinned down
Your feigning like a boxer
Wears me out to watch your show
Sometimes you resemble a bitch in heat
Our bed still warm while you jump into the next
You skim the best from the top
But are nowhere to be found
When harsh times find my door
You give yourself away
When you don't stop to think before you speak
This is acquired behavior
Not the product of deep reflection
Showing up at my door
When the world is too much reality
And your nights have become too cold
I feel sorry for you
In all your shallow short sightedness
Love is something you play at
You will never know the patient heart
Or the fruits of loves labor
So regrettably I turn you loose

---------the cliched poem below------

All Hands To The Pump

You keep me on the down low
telling me that it's all good
And all is fair in love and war
But it ain't nothing but a chicken wing
because too many cooks spoil the broth
of your nasty little acid test
your love is blind to my needs
and your rolling stone gathers no moss
You're free as a bird as you roam
Like a seven year itch
Taking only the icing on the cake
You think that love is as scarce as hen's teeth
But you're hot to trot a mile a minute
Saying "I'm game"
You don't know that silence is golden
Because you're rotten to the core
You think I'm a necessary evil
As the lesser of two evils
When you could keep your nose to the grindstone
And hit that ball and knock it out of the park
Knock the cover off the ball
With you it is age before beauty
You Can't see that my love is
Fresh as a Summer's rain
And deeper than the deepest ocean

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I'm not finished with this as it need punctuation and I will add this. I'm not happy with the title either, I'm very open to suggestions. This is the re-write of a poem constructed of a list of cliches.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Yes I did mean "granted" thanks for the catch! I'll change it out. Thanks for reading and commenting :)

always, Cat

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author comment

Nice Switch from Cliched to non-cliched...

i suggest you change the following line

Your moving and checking like a boxer

change to

Your feigning like a boxer

i think this would go very well with the dodgy character in your poem

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

This has really great flow smooth
wonderful read w/o the cliche's

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

it's not usual style and yet is unmistakably yours, because of the clever wordplay, I think you have managed to avoid the cliches.

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Cat,

obviously this reads 100 times better without the cliches and your personality is showing through, but this doesn't feel like your usual writes and that is because you are re-writing a piece that again, you wouldn't normally do. This has been a tough assignment, but you have done well with the re-write.

Title suggestion - "I turn you loose"

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Cliched Poetry or not - brilliant handling of some deep psychological insights! Obviously, when one drops the cliched format, sincerity and truely purposeful communication, shine through!
Well done!
Boni

Bonitaj

Sorry not to answer you all individually, but I sprained my wrist and it is still painful to type. Thank you all for reading and commenting.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Dearest Cat...

congratulations for being a worthy winner of the workshop contest, no one will dispute it when one reads both the poems above ...for an amateur like me it has been like a lesson...hope you are recovering from the wrist injury..be well soon..

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I too enjoyed it
and congrats
well deserved poem

loved

Raj, Loved and Yenti.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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