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Glazing Over (rhyme shop)
When I awoke this morning
the glaze was conquering me,
strong dark and all consuming,
inflicting its criminal, nasty deed.
I tried to shake it off,
tried to milk my life for more,
but the ho-hum shit of every day
has allowed the misted shore.
Before long I succumb,
left to wonder why I've tried,
maybe I'm going through the motions
simply because I haven't died.
Trained to the haze
and openly its whore,
gray skies, clouded eyes,
bending to this world.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
wesley snow
Thu, 2011-10-13 19:58
Not sure what I am supposed to say, so...
Concerning rhyme only.
In the first stanza the rhyme is "morning/consuming". Me and deed don't make it, but I'm not sure they were an attempt. Because the other rhyme is based exclusively on the "ing" sound, I consider it a poor rhyme. Don't misunderstand. I'm writing an epic poem with thousands of rhymes, so I use the "ing". I do try to avoid it when I can.
Second stanza- "more/shore" works for me. Same in the third stanza with "tried/died".
There are no rhymes in the last stanza unless you include the internal rhyme of "skies/eyes".
Homework done...to bed.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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themoonman
Thu, 2011-10-13 20:53
Thanks Wes ...
I appreciate your thoughts.
author commentBarbara Writes
Thu, 2011-10-13 21:50
Not a rhymer by nature
my skill for rhyming is limited as I have no experience or full understanding that qualify me for critquing rhymes.
So here it goes. I agree with wesley comment in both the more and shore, and the internal skies and tried because I noticed my rhymes are mostly internally naturally for some reason.
Great poem I love its flow
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
themoonman
Sat, 2011-10-15 06:47
Thanks Barbara ...
so glad you are joining us in this little venture!
author commentBarbara Writes
Sun, 2011-10-16 01:37
Glad to be here
learning and understand rhymes bettter
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-10-14 00:02
Wes is spot on, I'd just like to add...
Consider the sounds of :
Me/deed [assonance],
haze/eyes [consonance] and
whore/world [sort of sounds and look not entirely disimilar, perhaps a partial/eye/assonance/consonance? (grins)]
It's also commendable for strong rhymes matching strong and weak weak and, although it doesn't have a regular meter the general flow is not distorted by the quest for rhyme.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Fri, 2011-10-14 04:13
Jess ...
Thanks, I was thinking this might be a good poem to
point out a couple of the variations you wanted to go
over. I never go merely with the way a word is spelled,
in the last stanza, the "or" sound is what I was going for,
and the smoothness in the spoken word.
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-10-14 04:53
Well then, I'd say you were successful in your intent
Now roll your trouser legs up!
[weirdelf gets out his bee stamp and stamps each of moonman's knees]
There you go! Now you're the bees-knees!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Fri, 2011-10-14 11:22
You're right.
My language was incorrect. There are many more rhymes in this than I gave credit for. The assonance alone. My bad. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Barbara Writes
Fri, 2011-10-14 01:08
Rhymes
I see clearly the assonance, but
Consonance, I have difficulty seeing the rhyme
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-10-14 01:42
It's ok, I forgot to mention
assonance and consonance are more effectively used consecutively on the same line, not as endline rhyme substitutes. The consonant in this case is z which is the way eyes is pronounced ize. Always remember it's the way it sounds spoken, not the way it's written.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Tam the Chanter
Fri, 2011-10-14 05:14
rhyme thyme
Financiers took all our money
And left us with nothing but debt.
This winter aint gonna be sunny,
But cold as an old witch's tit.
So this is how the world ends
So this is how the world ends
So this is how the world ends
Not with a Bank
But with a Winter
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-10-14 06:42
that's all you've got to say for yourself?
no thoughts on rhyming on the workshop page?
no exercises?
not even a poem for rhyming critique?
No bee stamps for you me lad!
The rhymes are simple and adequate but stick to the scansion of the original
Not with a Bank
But a Winter
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2011-10-19 14:09
Wow the scales just fell from my eyes/ize
thanks I am enjoying learning how to rhyme.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2011-10-19 14:09
Wow the scales just fell from my eyes/ize
thanks I am enjoying learning how to rhyme.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Kailashana2
Fri, 2011-10-14 06:51
Anna, learning... Thanks.
Anna, learning...
Thanks.
Race_9togo
Fri, 2011-10-14 13:22
Richard
How bleak and evocative this is.
I found the rhyming quite good, with the similar and near rhymes and assonance and all of that.
I was however thrown by the last line of the first stanza, which to me has far too many syllables for it not to rhyme well with the second line. I wanted either for that line to rhyme exactly, with a strong stressor, or read less syllables so the cadence fit with the rest of the stanza.
"Inflicting criminality", perhaps? I think that end rhyme would be stronger, and would give the entire piece a better, stronger beginning.
But its very good. I find myself remembering exactly just such days as you describe, and it chills.
Well done.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
themoonman
Sat, 2011-10-15 06:52
Hi Jim ...
Thanks man, I had trouble with that particular line too,
but went with what I have for its content, but agree that
something else may be a smoother rhyme. When I edit,
I will keep your suggestion in mind, thanks!
author commentthemoonman
Sat, 2011-10-15 06:58
Thanks Rosi ...
You have really hit a strong point here, the structure
is a bit all over isn't it, and the rhyme isn't the same,
but I felt that it did fall from the tongue rather smoothly,
and then I read your suggestion on the "succumb" line,
and you're totally correct, when I'm given the go ahead,
I'll be addressing that one ... thanks!
author commentBarbara Writes
Sun, 2011-10-16 01:41
Eys desiring sleep
too sleepy to say more as I crash onto my iPad tablet. Will be back
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
wesley snow
Mon, 2011-10-17 14:49
Wait, wait, wait, wait...
...there are many words in English that are comfortably used as present tense and past without changing them. I believe "succumb" is one of them. This sometime produces that odd medieval feeling (that I am so fond of), but in many cases is grammatically correct. To be honest, I'm not sure that line required past or present tense specifically, but I suspect it doesn't matter. I'm not positive here kids, so Jess could you weigh in?
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
themoonman
Mon, 2011-10-17 15:03
Wes ...
You are exactly correct, but, after thinking about it
and reading it aloud both ways, I believe Rosi has something
there. I too believe it to be grammatically correct either way,
but to the ear, and from the tongue, I believe I'll change it, but
I will see what Jess has to say first.
I was only going to change the "I've" in the next line, which was
also her suggestion, because it sounds better to the ear and
flows more easily.
thank you for pointing that out Wes
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2011-10-17 16:52
it is correct both ways
I prefer the sound of succumb, succumbed is just an awkward sounding word, probably why it's been allowed to work both ways. It changes the meter only very slightly.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geezer
Tue, 2011-10-18 08:44
Richard...
I am impressed that you incorporated those different variations all in the same poem. Very nice work!
I am sometimes tempted to do so, but not sure of how they will be recieved. After seeing yours, I will not be so doubtful. ~ Gee
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