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Days Gone By

Submitted by Soul Butterfly on Fri, 2022-09-30 19:38

I'm lying under a tree daydreaming of days gone by
There's a Manor House, the day is warm with a clear blue sky
Its summer servants were busy all rushing about
The stables made ready a young boy mucking them out

Lord and lady Broadhurst will be here today
With, the child and their Nannies have all come to stay
The house is full of people. It's a grand time of year.
A delivery man has arrived with food, wine, and beer

In the distance, we hear the drumming of the horses coming down the track
We are all standing straight out front to welcome them back
The tables been laid, and it must be right glasses, spoon's forks, knives 10 course, they must be on time they'll no problems it'll be just right

There will be morning visitors, dinners, lunches, and high tea
Lord Broadhurst's bother Andrew will visit. How handsome is he
The young girls are swooning and giggling, they are all a quiver.
The young gentleman and their ladies will take walks down by the river.
They will play tennis, and croquet, picnic on the lush lawn
We will saddle the horses and go hunting foxes in the early morn

I felt drops of rain on my skin, I must have fallen a sleep, my dream was
washed away, but it's left me yearning for the years of yesterday

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Seren

Sat, 2022-10-01 05:25

Seren's picture

i am an old member returned, I'm just reading everyone's poetry today, getting a feel for everyone's work and in the coming days I will leave much more comprehensive feedback and critique. I really liked this one it's a little vignette of yesteryear. Lovely to meet you.

kindest regards

Seren

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

RoseBlack

Sat, 2022-10-01 09:13

RoseBlack's picture
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Depicted in poetry. I can relate to looking back and wishing to return to simpler, happier times. Good job!

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Mon, 2022-10-03 17:57

Geezer's picture
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The title is good and relates well to the theme
Your language use is fair as well as the rhyme
I will take the lack of rhythm as a even trade
for the detail that is given. There are a number of typos that
can be easily fixed, but for the most part, a well thought out piece.

The theme seems to be from the perspective of a servant
and done well. The internal logic is good and the piece flows
well from beginning to end.
This is what I see:

[I'm] lying under...

[There's] a Manor House

The stables made ready[,]

their nannies all coming to stay

house full of people[,] it's a grand...

glasses, spoons, forks and knives

10 courses, they must be on time, no problems, just right
[you don't need the rest of that line]

[high] tea

brother

[asleep]

Just a few little things that will make it smoother.
~ Geezer.
.

.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Soul Butterfly

Mon, 2022-10-03 22:19

Soul Butterfly's picture

Thank you Geezer you are the only one that has given me advice and I really appreciate. I will go into edit and fix it.

Diane Poole

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2022-10-04 09:37

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that many readers are not willing to give such advice for two reasons; one is that they are not so sure of their own advice and two, they are leery of antagonizing or alienating a new writer by pointing out mistakes. Let me remind them, that is why we are here; to get advice and make our work better. Sometimes I am a little perturbed by those who post a fresh work with the admonishment that they are not actively editing. I think that unless you are willing to take a bit of criticism and suggestion, that you may as well go post somewhere else, where people "dump" their poetry expecting [and getting as many "Oh, this is so wonderful!"] as they can. Not ever realizing that they might do much better if they embraced the idea that they really could use a little help now and then. I have been writing for around fifteen years now, and I still learn new things all the time! I have noticed that my writing has improved immensely from what it was until now and I know that there is still room for improvement. So, never be afraid to ask for help and giving it when you can. Even if you say that you like someone's work or maybe that you didn't understand something, or that it didn't sound quite right. All those things can help a writer learn something about themselves as writers. A big welcome to Neopoet! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Soul Butterfly

Tue, 2022-10-04 12:13

Soul Butterfly's picture

Thank you Geezer please continue to critique my work, my problem is my lack of education. I too want to in prove but I don’t think I’ll be here in fifteen years lol.

Diane Poole

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2022-10-04 19:30

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thought I would be here fifteen years later. I thought that this was something to fill my time as I recovered from a stay in the hospital. I didn't realize then, that I would be retired from working altogether. I grew to love Neo. from meeting all the poets here that gave me advice and getting more involved [by running a chatroom and making friends and entering workshops.] I now have friends all over the world, and my poetry has improved a lot! I am pretty sure that I would still be here, even if I returned to work! Yes, I will keep giving you critique a long as I am here. Let's see what you have; I think that you have some great stories to tell. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Mon, 2022-10-03 16:16

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Hello, Soul Butterfly,
This has the flavor and spirit of Downton Abbey and Manor of Secrets! Nicely captured! I get a keen sense of a romantic period in time.
Thank you!
L

Soul Butterfly

Tue, 2022-10-04 00:51

Soul Butterfly's picture

Thank you lavender i realy appreciated you comment, yes I love that period, never be afraid to tell me if I need check spelling punctuation etc, I would rather be told so I can fix it

Diane Poole

author comment
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