Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
moisture of ghosts
shooting stars and satellites -
the forest rustles with their stories
feathers on the ground
I falter
this place was never mine
woven with the language of wild others
in forests and forgotten places
flick of snake in grass
night eyes watching me -
curiously
those open mouths of shadows
my footsteps crunch pebbles on the riverbed -
that sudden rush of water
this place was never mine
feet chilled in sodden boots and socks
I sit on a tangled soft
of moss
eyes closed to the great moon and landscape of rocks
and boulders shaped like women
tumbling over the hillside after their unruly children
fragments of sky fall through the dark horizon
a symphony of silence soughing wind
sudden flip of fish in water
dreams of flowers wingless beetle the great moth
the moisture of ghosts
touch my lips
cold
kiss
this place was never mine
I breathe its breath and hold it close
the fear and beauty of the wild
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This poem is important to me: the magic of the wild and the dreaminess of it - and the alienation of being human in the forests. I like this poem but I have an uncertainty about it : do all the words fit, does it hold you? Is the ending right?
I am not quite content with it...
It is still in draft stage.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Bill Cushing
Tue, 2023-06-06 02:24
Some feedback
First of all, I really enjoyed this, but then again, I am deep into a collection of critical essays on W S Merwin; your piece reminds me of his work and theme.
As to changes, the only one I can off is to combine lines 3 and 4 and reverse them with a slight change: "I falter/before feathers on the ground"
Other than that, I got nothing to offer. Nice work.
Jenifer James
Tue, 2023-06-06 18:41
Thank you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill.
I will sit and observe this line!
And, I really look forward to hearing your poetic voice.
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentLavender
Tue, 2023-06-06 13:04
Moisture of Ghosts
Hello, Jenifer,
Your title brought me in - and I was not disappointed. I was carried along with the magic, the warm language, the silence as I stepped softly along your poem. For me, the magic of the wild and the dreaminess was felt even before I read your last few words. You may want to correct "it's" to "its" in your second to final line. I love the line "I falter" because that's exactly what I felt there - a pause to take it all in physically and emotionally. Wonderful!
Thank you!
L
Jenifer James
Tue, 2023-06-06 18:44
Ah, thank you Lavender.
Ah, thank you Lavender.
Thank you for the punctuation reminder - editing your own work can be a blindness - much appreciated.
I am so glad you enjoyed it - as I said it is an important poem for me about a realisation in time. I look forward to exploring your work, too
Jenifer Jaspa James
author comment