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My Quill
Without you
I'm living in a hollow
nothing satisfies
my thoughts
are shallow.
After you
I'm unable
to draw a smile
or depict sorrow.
My words
contain no spirit
they scarcely
dance slow
without you-fellow.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Sat, 2012-07-14 05:49
love it rula
well presented, short, to the point, but with a depth of emotion covered in both text and subtext
one small suggestion (lol suggestion only)
'After you
I'm unable
to draw a smile
or even show sorrow'
- 'show sorrow' - as you are using a writing analogy, what do you think of
'paint sorrow' or 'sketch sorrow'?
also
'My words
have no spirit in' - not particularly good grammar
- you don't need the 'in', 'have no spirit' alone works better - or you could say 'contain no spirit'
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sat, 2012-07-14 08:32
Your suggestion are always
Welcomed and I Love 99.9% of them..:)
I've changed to "depict" , fits?
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judyanne
Sat, 2012-07-14 08:36
works well
:)
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Ian.T
Sun, 2012-07-15 03:29
0.1% here lol
A lovely piece young Lady, it is un-complicated and pure in its presentation..
I look forward to some of your deeper pieces that will question us, and make us race on,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Sun, 2012-07-15 09:34
complicated or not
It is not complication that I'm after, never had been:-)
I like to write whatever the heart
Wished others to hear
And here it is
when you go deep
Thanks dear Ian. Happy to hear from you.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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