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VILLANELLE SANS LIBERTÉ
"Welcome to the collective hive,"
the M.C. from the center ring cries,
"where being numb means being alive!"
Acrobats, jugglers, and clowns arrive
with no festive feel—as everyone sighs,
“welcome to the collective hive.”
The crowd below climbs the high dive
grateful to lunge to their own demise
where being numb means being alive.
Individuals could not survive
from consuming the ringmaster’s lies.
Welcome to the collective hive
where personalities cease to strive;
you can see such a place in their eyes—
where being numb means being alive.
Spirit has died; there’s no more drive,
and true liberty lost all allies.
Welcome to the collective hive
where being numb means being alive.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words:
Trying to prepare this in a hurry--deadline approaching
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-06-06 08:14
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Your poem is a Villanelle, a form of poetry that has a specific rhyme scheme and repetition of lines. You have used this form effectively to convey your message about conformity and the loss of individuality in society.
The repeated line "Welcome to the collective hive" emphasizes the idea of a collective society where individuality is suppressed. The line "where being numb means being alive" is a powerful statement that highlights the negative consequences of conformity and the loss of personal freedom.
Your use of imagery is effective in conveying the bleakness of the situation. The acrobats, jugglers, and clowns arriving with "no festive feel" and the crowd climbing the high dive "grateful to lunge to their own demise" create a sense of hopelessness and despair.
One suggestion for improvement would be to vary the sentence structure and use more descriptive language to create a more vivid picture of the scene. Additionally, consider using more sensory details to
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Tue, 2023-06-06 13:33
Villanelle Sans Liberte
Hello, Bill,
I believe this is your first post here? Welcome!
I read your profile and can see you that your writing skills are keen. Your villanelle shows the determination and work needed to get it just right. The rhyme scheme, the pace and rhythm are great, and your language and title compliment one another perfectly. To follow the tight criteria of this form takes so much thought, and to have it make sense within a remarkable theme is fantastic. I feel the lack of life, the numbness and the demise. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you,
Lavender
Bill Cushing
Tue, 2023-06-06 14:57
Thanks much. Over the past
Thanks much. Over the past few years I've been challenging myself with traditional forms (a lot of Spanish and Japanese structures--beyond haiku), and this is my first voyage into the villanelle. What's funny is I agonized over it for about a year until I hit on the idea of politics as circus (probably influenced by listening to David Byrne's "The Democratic Circus" and some of Timbuk 3's work).
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