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Winter blues
The sun hides its watery shame
In sullen skies of moody hues
Shrouding us in fear and blame
Storm clouds spreading winter blues
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Just finished our winter here, its been a challenging one!
Crawling out of the black hole now and looking forward to better mental and physical health.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2016-09-07 23:36
Yes...
We still have our winter to look forward to! Not for at least a couple of months I hope, but too soon for me anyways! Yes, that is the way that winter usually affects me. I like the poem's brevity, but the sense of relief from a bad winter still shone through. Truly, the only line that bugs me is; "Like blankets weaving fear and shame. You weave blankets, they don't weave. Minor problem; I'm sure that you can think of something! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Joan Rolls
Thu, 2016-09-08 02:30
Good point thankyou!!
Good point thankyou!!
Sparrow
Thu, 2016-09-08 04:34
Joan
I checked the revision, as to the changes, they have made a great difference.
I would like to see you expand this theme to your thoughts and fears of weather changes.
As you are in Australia, there are so many changes and they would give a great picture to he reader.
This would have made a good Senyru then expanded to a Tanka by adding the two lines , so that would be a syllable count of 5-7-5 then 7-7.
Have a go its fun, Take care as always, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Joan Rolls
Thu, 2016-09-08 04:53
Thanks Ian. I will give it a
Thanks Ian. I will give it a go.
Geezer
Thu, 2016-09-08 19:44
Better...
Don't know if I like the shrouding us in fear and blame, but it's much better than it was! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Thu, 2016-09-08 21:30
composing poetry ....after years is natural
as to eyes
come tears
your start was good
I have no fears
syllables my friends count
to me it matters little
well done what ever you have
written
they have understood
as much
you'd be happy to know
I have now too
your lovely views withstood
to know me
you have to read my poetry
waffle mostly
Vivovon
Thu, 2016-09-08 23:05
a moody poem
Joan,
The ABAB rhyming scheme, sort of classic. A fiery weather display. It does frighten me.
It truly is a moody poem!
I have faced severe monsoon storms in the Bay of Bengal and up on the northern mountains of India-Burma boder. Very scary. Survival is a kind of a miracle. Twice I have driven in the severe blizzards in the United States, with my family. My children were just kids then. I have lived in the drought zone where temperature runs 110 F for three months. Well, yes, nature can be very cruel and frightening.
How is the weather in your locality? Myall Lake looks very beautiful on Google Earth!
xxxxx
Joan Rolls
Fri, 2016-09-09 07:15
Thanks for all your comments!
Thanks for all your comments! The poem was triggered by lack of sun and a moody hubby who suffers depression. The weather here is not particularly extreme and winters are short thank goodness! We have a fairly high rainfall, hot humid summers.
Keith Logan
Fri, 2016-09-09 13:54
SAD
This reminds me of a friend who used to suffer badly from SAD until his wife heard about a special lamp that provides a closer approximation to true daylight. Exposure for around an hour a day in those dark months keeps him feeling alright.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Joan Rolls
Fri, 2016-09-09 16:53
Thanks keith. I will look
Thanks keith. I will look into it!