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The great escape!
Fort Supply hospital,
out by the lake
With the moon in his eyes
He made a futile escape!
No one was watching though
as he slipped through the gate.
Panic and paranoia,
were reflected in his gaze
When the sun came up they subdued Him
caught in the pristine haze
Down near the waterside
in a psychotic daze
Determined by doctors
to be some sort of craze.
But on any given night,
when the full moon is in phase
You’ll find him out wandering
in His maniacal maze!
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-07-11 13:23
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The great escape!" presents a narrative that is both intriguing and suspenseful. The use of imagery is quite effective, particularly in the lines "With the moon in his eyes" and "Down near the waterside in the pristine haze". These lines not only paint a vivid picture but also contribute to the overall mood of the poem.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The first four lines follow an AABB rhyme scheme, but this pattern is not maintained throughout the rest of the poem. Similarly, the rhythm varies from line to line, which can disrupt the flow of the poem.
The use of the term "maniacal maze" in the last line is somewhat ambiguous. If this is intended to convey the character's mental state, it might be more effective to use more concrete language to describe his experiences or emotions.
Finally, the line "Determined by doctors to be some sort of craze" is a bit unclear. If the doctors are diagnosing the character, it might be more accurate to say that they determined him to be suffering from a specific condition, rather than simply calling it a "craze".
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-07-11 07:35
hello Leslie,
this poem reminds me of when my mother, a nurse, worked at Anoka State Hospital. Every now and then, especially when the moon was full, a patient would escape the facility. Take a run across the grounds for freedom. In this line:
"But on any give night," (given) see if that does not sound better?) good poem!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Lavender
Thu, 2024-07-11 14:06
The Great Escape
Hello, Leslie,
Although the rhyme pattern is not exact, it seems close enough to me. I didn't feel any disruption. Unique topic that was enhanced by the rhythm and pace.
Thank you!
L
Leslie
Thu, 2024-07-11 16:08
L
Thank you for your kind words and comments.
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Leslie
Thu, 2024-07-11 16:04
Cat
For the sake of sanity I wrote this to ease my mind. I took your advice it looks better now, thanks for commenting.
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Ruby Lord
Fri, 2024-07-12 06:14
I enjoyed this. The flow
I enjoyed this. The flow gives it the urgency your man demonstrates in his escape and I thought the rhyme scheme was very effective.
This line needs a tweak for me:
a man tried to escape.
Perhaps try to rephrase it to show the reader what's happening instead of telling us the events before he escaped?
"A man made his escape" ?
Very well done, Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Leslie
Fri, 2024-07-12 06:33
Ruby Lord
I'm sorry I just don't get it. I can see that changing it would be good . I will try to change it friend. Very good to see you again!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Ruby Lord
Fri, 2024-07-12 06:41
Sorry Leslie, I think I'm
Sorry Leslie, I think I'm trying to say that in that line you are telling and not showing? Hope that is a bit clearer?
Thank you, it's great to be back. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Leslie
Fri, 2024-07-12 07:22
Ruby Lord
I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR SAYING, BUT CAN'T THINK OR FEEL THE WORDS. IF YOU CAN HELP A BIT MORE
YOU CAN CO-AUTHOR IT.
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Ruby Lord
Fri, 2024-07-12 07:47
I think you've got it perfect
I think you've got it perfect now by changing it to futile escape. This tells me so much more about the man and makes me ask the questions which are answered in the continuing stanzas. It's really good and I can't see anywhere else I would change it. Take care, Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Leslie
Fri, 2024-07-12 14:28
Ruby Lord
Thank you! I hope you're back to stay awhile!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Ruby Lord
Sat, 2024-07-13 05:34
Good morning Leslie, yes I'm
Good morning Leslie, yes I'm back & I'm hoping to stay a while. Have a lovely day, Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.