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Deliverance!

Submitted by Leslie on Wed, 2024-08-07 08:16

Woke up one bright morning
with a vision in my head
A catastrophic warning
all my friends were dead
No one seemed to notice
but the sky had turned to red
An atomic age was dawning
the despots all had fled
The people who remained
all were filled with dread
The howling and the wailing
it was more than I could bear
The people in the city streets
all were filled with despair
Their homes had been demolished
it seemed that no one cared
Blood ran in the gutters
we stopped and bowed our heads
The loud and ceaseless mourning
stung our tender ears
The future was unveiling
our eyes were filled with tears
The enemy was upon us
approached with taunting jeers
We faltered in our footsteps
embraced the sudden doom,
but on the bright horizon
A light displaced the gloom!

Review Request (Intensity):

Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

I have had many dreams about this subject.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-07 10:50

Just a typo...

"was more than I could [bear].
and add a syllable to the line: "all were filled with [a] despair."

You have written a very good rhyming poem that I think speaks to the fears of all.
I guess that we will have to believe that no one with any speck of intelligence,
will think that they can survive a total nuclear war. It would make the Earth almost completly
unlivable, for centuries. No matter how deep and impenetrable their bunkers are,
they will not be able to ever come out to live on the surface of our planet again.
I do not think they will want to live and die like rats in their underground tunnels.
The ending shows that you have faith that we will overcome our stupidity.
Nicely done, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Leslie

Wed, 2024-08-07 11:12

G

I'm overwhelmed that you liked it. I was under the impression that you didn't like dark poetry. What the hell it's staring us in the face anyway!

Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-07 23:03

First...

I really was impressed with your rhythm and rhyme. It held steady for the whole thing, and they rhyme was very nice.
Second, I am known as being a master of dark poetry! Just look at some of my work, and you should find one fairly soon. I really like mixing sarcasm with dark moods. Read anything with Killer in it. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-08-07 14:31

Hello, my friend,

I am always impressed with your poetry! you blow me away with your effortless rhyming free verse. The words just come cascading out of your pen! I usually choose favorite lines of the poem to quote back to the poet. but in this case I cannot do so, for they all are brilliant! (You should enter more contests) I hope you are having a great day.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-08-07 14:33

p.s.

your poem touches on one of my greatest fears...

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Alex Tanner

Wed, 2024-08-07 15:28

Punctuation

Hello Leslie. A lot of punctuation needed here to break it up and emphasise the power of the lines. I could say more but I'll leave it at that. Alex

Neopoet

Deliverance!