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Apart
Although we are far apart,
you in one city, I another,
look to the heavens my love.
The moon begins to wax bright
and takes her rightful place
as sovereign of the night.
And like the rising tide
which longs for her breast
let our spiritual selves move
from their material nests.
and as we look in the sum
of singular light, may our souls
enter, and breathe as one.
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Mon, 2018-05-07 04:53
tyro
good cadence, excellent usage of word to paint an image and a great idea to connect with a loved on though physically apart..
........................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Mon, 2018-05-07 10:39
Great poem!
Great poem!
It leaves an impression that it talks directly to me.
The melody is soothing and calming in the beginning stanzas becomes more chopped closer to the end. I don't know if it was your intention.
Great write, moon worshiping rocks!
IRiz
Rula
Mon, 2018-05-07 12:15
can't but
appreciate the art through out. Simple yet speaks it all.
It's about unity for me.
Thanks for sharing dear tyro
A typo maybe? 'breast'
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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chevyvent
Mon, 2018-05-07 12:22
Enjoyable flow of imagination of a jovial and funny good fellow
Enjoyable flow of imagination of a jovial and funny good fellow. Both author and poetry are enjoyable and may keep high mood.I do not know if you really studied at the light of a candle or is just a poetical figure of style. Also, in a church or cathedral there are fired many candles to see the Light. Amazing and amusing, indeed
Just be yourself and always keep an open mind let your heart be light as a feather. Keep hope in your heart this will light the spark to what you need to know. Also a good way of expressing yourself is to practice writing your expressions out on paper first then you can act upon your emotions then cause it will be polished through practice. Love is the essence of my inner existence learn to shun in the resistance. Think of a rainbow
Mario Vitale
tyro
Mon, 2018-05-07 18:15
thanks ra, it good to know my
thanks ra, it good to know my idea came through.j
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commenttyro
Tue, 2018-05-08 04:58
Nice intuition JRS, but it
Nice intuition JRS, but it not the syllables. When I read the preview before posting, I was not completely satisfied with the last line, so I began tinkering and before I knew it I had spread to the entire stanza. And being fully focused on solving a local problem I lost sight of the whole. Thanks for letting me realize that.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commenttyro
Tue, 2018-05-08 05:21
Hi IRiz, I like this sight,
Hi IRiz, I like this sight, and I like you. You always give good advice, and make acute observations. Your critiques help me a lot. You have even cause me to reassess some of my ways in approaching grammar.
Here, thinking on your slightly sugarcoated critique, I am forced to face the fact that I knew I had not clearly developed the ending, but lazily accepted second best. I will redo the last stanza.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commenttyro
Tue, 2018-05-08 05:33
Hello, dear Rula, I hope you
Hello, dear Rula, I hope you are back up the 100%, and may a magical spring happen. .
"It's about unity for me." I am happy you saw my intent; but now I know it is not complete, as the last stanza was to show this unity, and the poem has not fully delivered.
I came to this sight because I heard from Dale you were here. I am so happy I did, because I am again being stimulated to develop my poetic voice.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commenttyro
Tue, 2018-05-08 05:36
"Enjoyable flow of
"Enjoyable flow of imagination" thank you for your nice comment, Chevyvent.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commenttyro
Tue, 2018-05-08 06:29
Hello, JRS and IRiz, take a
Hello, JRS and IRiz, take a look and let me know if this better. don't be nice, I want the truth.
Although we are far apart,
you in one city, I another,
look to the heavens my love.
The moon begins to wax bright
and takes her rightful place
as sovereign of the night.
And like the rising tide
which longs for her breast
let our spiritual selves move
from their material nests.
and as we look, in the sum
of singular light,may our souls
enter, and breathe as one.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentRula
Tue, 2018-05-08 08:13
Dear tyro
For any edits just press the *edit* button at the top of the page. You then can do the changes required. This is just one of the many advantages of this site.
Good luck.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
lovedly
Tue, 2018-05-08 12:26
too many have said everything
i had a typo only in mind
someone has indirectly pointed it
great sublime soothing poetry
he/she also must be watching it
lovely poetry
Eumolpus
Tue, 2018-05-08 22:37
i like your poem
a good poem about lovers finding themselves in different cities.
The poem has a very traditional sound and feel, timeless. It could have been written in china 1000 years ago, or today.
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings