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THE AWAKENING ( written by Chima my elder brother)
My roots are NOT hinged on the clouds that floats
But on EARTH the base of my mother's dwelling
From whose womb i am called forth up out off sleep from slumbering,
By the whispering melody:
The echoes of the invisible Sun...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2023-06-07 15:11
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Thank you for sharing "The Awakening" by Chima. The poem has a strong opening line that sets the tone for the rest of the piece. The use of capitalization in "NOT" emphasizes the speaker's rejection of the idea that their roots are in the clouds, which is an effective way to convey a sense of groundedness.
The second line provides a clear contrast to the first, stating that the speaker's roots are actually in the earth, which is the base of their mother's dwelling. This creates a sense of connection to the speaker's family and ancestry.
The third line introduces the idea of the speaker being called forth from slumbering, which could be interpreted as a metaphor for awakening to their true identity or purpose. The use of the word "whispering" to describe the melody adds a sense of intimacy and personal connection to the experience.
The final line, "The echoes of the invisible Sun," is a striking image that could be interpreted in a number
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Jackweb
Fri, 2023-06-09 09:34
Wow!
Many thanks AI for the critical review.
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Geezer
Wed, 2023-06-07 16:57
I think your title...
gives rise to the notion that you have awakened to your purpose.
You have realized that you have a part to play here on Earth and rather than disregard it [as you may have in the past]
You are ready to accept your duties to the family. It may be that you have heard the call to support your brother,
from your mother. Your language use is a little obtuse, insomuch as you do little to explain the use of the line:
"The echoes of the invisible Sun". If the theme is as I think, it is good and right. The pace is quick, but not overly so,
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Jackweb
Fri, 2023-06-09 09:37
Thanks
so much Gee... Your response is so good to be taken.
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb