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Depression!
Doubt is upon us
the feeling is gone
overcast skies
tell us to move on
We keep moving forward
not intending to trip,
but the haze in our hearts
leaves us lonely and sick
We look to tomorrow
as only a dream
One which arrives
with a caterwaul scream
We seek for a reason
just to press on,
but our hearts fail in passing
elusive the dawn!
The daylight approaches
along with the sun
The cycle is over
the skirmish is won!
One which continues
to plague us again
No rest for the weary
the fun never ends!
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Sex, politics and darkness are all I feel to write about lately and I've had enough of all of it!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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South Ogden, Utah
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Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom, and all of the poets at neo.
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-07-26 07:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey the cyclical nature of depression. The use of weather imagery, such as "overcast skies" and "elusive the dawn," is a common but effective tool in expressing the emotional landscape of depression. These metaphors could be further developed to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
The poem's structure, a series of six-line stanzas, provides a consistent rhythm that mirrors the cyclical theme. However, the rhythm is occasionally disrupted by lines of differing lengths. Maintaining a consistent meter throughout could enhance the poem's musicality and flow.
The final stanza's phrase "the fun never ends" seems to introduce a tone of sarcasm or dark humor. If this is intentional, it might be beneficial to introduce this tone earlier in the poem to prepare the reader and provide a more cohesive voice.
The poem's theme of depression is clear, but the exploration of this theme could be deepened. For example, the poem could delve more into the speaker's personal experience or emotions, or it could explore the societal or philosophical implications of depression. This would provide more depth and complexity to the poem's exploration of its theme.
The poem's ending, with the phrase "the skirmish is won," suggests a resolution or victory. However, the cyclical nature of depression, as depicted in the poem, might suggest that such victories are temporary or illusory. This could be an interesting tension to explore in more depth.
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Rula
Fri, 2024-07-26 05:41
Hello Lesslie
"I can feel the pain.
We look to tomorrow
as only a dream
One which arrives
with a caterwaul scream"
Very true. And the sarcasm in the closing lines? Very relatable.
Thank you for sharing.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Leslie
Fri, 2024-07-26 10:50
RULA, THANK YOU FOR
RULA, THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING I WISH I COULD HAVE WRITTEN SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-07-26 11:35
hello Leslie,
Although the whole poem is brilliant, these are the lines I liked best:
We keep moving forward
not intending to trip,
but the haze in our hearts
leaves us lonely and sick
We look to tomorrow
as only a dream
One which arrives
with a caterwaul scream
the whole word is in turmoil and it is scary...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Fri, 2024-07-26 15:05
Cat
YOU ALWAYS COMMENT ON MY POETRY AND I APPRECIATE THAT. YOU'RE RIGHT THE WHOLE WORLD IS IN TURMOIL BUT THERE'S NOTHING THAT WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
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