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FAILURE
The weight of the earth
on top of coal
is what pressures coal
into a diamond
And this weight of pain
wrapped around my heart
is what crushes my soul
In sermon
You see -I was weak
a weak and scared man
Never did I hold faith
with courageous hand
I just died,
died the panicked man
So now tears fall wet
in diamond heavy pain
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2024-06-10 23:40
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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Rula
Tue, 2024-06-11 10:45
Dear Tyro
This has an exceptional opening stanza.
I'm not however happy with "in sermon" Maybe "in silent sermon"?
I also thought you don't need all the spaces here
You see -I was weak
a weak and scared man
Never did I hold faith
with courageous hand
I just died,
died the panicked man
Just few thoughts, please feel free to ignore them all
I have already enjoyed this bittersweet piece.
Thank you for sharing.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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tyro
Wed, 2024-06-12 13:52
Hi dear Rula
You have made some quality suggestions, and I have changed the spacing, you are right about that.
I seriously considered silent sermon, but I wrote the poem in cadense, and silent sermon lenthens the line,
gives it more push, when I want the sentence to run softly down,
Tyro
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
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