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Lost depths
I was swimming in the ocean,
Even then, your azure eyes
Suddenly take over my mind
They become the ethereal abyss
I'm immersed in,
And I find myself lost
In the depths of the aegean
Not knowing where I am
But I still swim and swim
Searching that angelic hue
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-07-18 14:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Lost Depths" presents a vivid and emotional exploration of the speaker's feelings towards another person, symbolized by the metaphor of the ocean. The repetition of the word "ocean" throughout the poem effectively reinforces this metaphor and the overwhelming nature of these feelings.
However, the poem could benefit from a more varied vocabulary. The repeated use of the word "swim" and "ocean" may risk sounding redundant. Consider exploring synonyms or other metaphors to diversify your language and add depth to your imagery.
The final line introduces a new element, "angelic hue", which seems to symbolize a specific aspect or quality of the person the speaker is drawn to. This is a compelling addition, but it might be more impactful if it is developed further in the poem. Providing more context or details about this "angelic hue" could help to deepen the reader's understanding of the speaker's attraction and emotional journey.
Finally, the poem's structure is relatively straightforward, with a consistent rhythm and no apparent use of enjambment or other poetic devices. Experimenting with these elements could add another layer of complexity to the poem and enhance its overall impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Triskelion
Thu, 2024-07-18 09:23
Hi mini...
...I don't usually comment on free verse pieces, but I find the repeated use of "ocean" detracting to the sentiment. If you can find a workaround, I think it would read better. I would also drop the word "for" in the last line. I like the use of "hue" especially.
Good luck
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Mini
Thu, 2024-07-18 14:31
Hi! Thank you I see it now I
Hi! Thank you I see it now I'll try to fix it!!
Manja
Rula
Thu, 2024-07-18 10:35
Hey Mini...
I'm a fan of short crisp poetry, but you have to be careful with words you choose. I think sir Thomas gave a very good feedback here.
Looking forward to seeing your edits
Thank you for sharing dear
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Mini
Thu, 2024-07-18 14:42
I just rewrote it!
I just rewrote it!
Manja
Ruby Lord
Thu, 2024-07-18 11:14
I did enjoy your poem. I
I did enjoy your poem. I liked the theme of water you used but like Thomas I found ocean a little repetitive. But an excellent draft. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-07-18 14:22
hello Mini,
I agree with the others. You have been given some excellent advice. I would love to see the results of your rewrite. good luck!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Mini
Thu, 2024-07-18 14:42
I just did a rewrite!!
I just did a rewrite!!
Manja
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-07-18 15:18
dear Mini,
great rewrite! it reads smoothly now. (one hint...capitalize the name of the sea)
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Rula
Thu, 2024-07-18 15:13
Great edits Mini
Well done!
P.S. "Aegean" a tiny typo.
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