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Mr. Barman
Hey, Mr Barman
Pour me another round
Stop yanking my chain
Why don’t you make it a double
It’s tomorrow that doesn’t matter
Today I just want to get under
It’s the yesterday that lingers
Causes me a great amount of pain
Let this one drink make me numb
No longer even notice the rain
Let my troubles drown in peace
Confided in my glass
dwells my happy place
Imbibe in a fancy night cap
Mr. Bar man, my only confidant
If truth be told I’m not sure I will
make it until the neon light flickers
On this bar stool is the only time
I can see this darn clearly
Let the clock strike midnight
just as long as I am surrounded
by all the accoutrements from
an empty bottle
Review Request (Intensity):
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What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-02-10 05:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Mr. Barman" effectively utilizes the setting of a bar and the character of the barman to explore themes of loneliness, escapism, and the struggle with personal demons. The use of direct address to the barman creates an intimate, conversational tone, which helps to draw the reader into the speaker's emotional world.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. For instance, the rhythm and meter of the poem are somewhat inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the piece. Working to establish a more consistent rhythm could enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging to read.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from more specific and concrete imagery. While the poem does a good job of conveying the speaker's emotional state, it lacks the kind of vivid, sensory details that can make a poem truly come alive in the reader's mind. For example, instead of saying "It’s the yesterday that lingers / Causes me a great amount of pain", the poem could provide specific memories or images from the speaker's past that illustrate this pain.
Finally, the poem's exploration of its themes could be deepened. While the poem does touch on themes of loneliness and escapism, it doesn't delve into these themes in a particularly complex or nuanced way. By further developing these themes, the poem could offer a more profound and impactful exploration of the human condition.
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RoseBlack
Sat, 2024-02-10 12:57
I felt this
In my soul. I believe this was me a week ago Friday wanting to forget who I was and life in general. This was raw and honest. Well done.
~RoseBlack~
Tawny023
Sun, 2024-02-11 10:20
Escape in a bottle
Sometimes the bar is a place where sorrows and ills are cast for the night but sometimes we stay too long
Tawny023
Sun, 2024-02-11 10:20
Escape in a bottle
Lavender
Sat, 2024-02-10 22:36
Mr.Barman
Hello, Tawny,
Just into the first stanza, I thought there were quite a lot of cliches. But reading further, I think the first stanza was a significant intro to the mood and tone of the entire poem. I might split the last line to make its appearance consistent with the rest of the poem. Perhaps "from" an empty bottle to replace "of." Definitely under the influence.
Thank you!
L
Tawny023
Sun, 2024-02-11 09:39
Thanks for reading
Thanks for the suggestion liked from more then of
hippiemoon
Fri, 2024-03-01 11:12
Congratulations on your win!!
Congratulations on your win!! Very well deserved :)
Best,
hippiemoon
the moon and the stars made us who we are <3
Tawny023
Tue, 2024-03-05 19:45
Thank you :) such an amazing
Thank you :) such an amazing honor