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Pass Through The First Death

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sun, 2024-07-14 16:23

Under the same sun and air
We are muzzled like ox as we tread out the grains
Our necks are stiffed like burdens of cattle,
In the flame grass, the oak, everywhere we go.
Under the fine rain, thick cloud, the chilly wind,
We listen to their whistles with the strokes of rod that refines our body,
As we are passing through our first death;
We stare at the birds flying by
Because they appear so free;
There are still words left unsaid
When we travel far than the calling sounds.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

The poem centers on the poet suffering with his people by the evaders.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 07/7/24 to 07/13/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-07-14 22:23

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Pass Through The First Death" evokes a sense of confinement and restriction through vivid imagery and metaphorical language. The comparison of humans to muzzled oxen and burdened cattle creates a powerful image of oppression and subjugation. The use of nature elements like flame grass, oak, rain, and wind adds to the atmosphere of struggle and hardship.

The theme of passing through a metaphorical "first death" is intriguing and suggests a journey or transformation. The mention of listening to whistles and feeling the strokes of a rod that refines the body hints at a process of purification or growth through adversity. The contrast between the constrained human experience and the freedom symbolized by birds in flight is poignant and thought-provoking.

One suggestion for improvement could be to further develop the idea of passing through the first death and explore its implications or consequences in more detail. Additionally, considering the pacing and structure of the poem to enhance the flow of ideas and emotions could help strengthen the overall impact

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Mr joghe

Mon, 2024-07-15 01:47

AI

Thanks

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2024-07-15 23:11