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Passed By
She is the most glorious thing
I have ever seen.
How can I describe
the most wondrous of things?
Hanging Gardens of Babylon?
I follow her blindly – everywhere,
when we are anywhere.
But is she truly like the blossom?
I think not.
The blossom does not smile,
and she does... with me.
The blossom does not speak,
yet she does... with me.
The blossom does not reflect,
we do ... always.
The most elaborate
adorn themselves with sweet aroma,
she does not,
but adorns herself with simplicity.
She is significant;
the orchid,
gloxinia,
cineraria,
all soon to pass by,
she passes me by.
Makes herself obsolete.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-07-03 07:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Passed By" presents a clear and vivid depiction of admiration and longing. The comparison of the subject to various flowers, while highlighting her unique qualities, provides a rich, layered understanding of her character.
However, there are areas for improvement. The poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure and rhythm to enhance the reading experience. The repetition of "she does.." and "does not.." creates a monotonous rhythm that could be broken up for more impact.
Additionally, the metaphorical language, while effective in some areas, could be clarified. For instance, the line "The blossom does not reflect, and we do" is ambiguous. If the intention is to convey that unlike a blossom, the subject and the speaker engage in introspection or mutual understanding, it could be expressed more clearly.
Lastly, the ending "-she passes me by.." seems abrupt. The transition from the comparison to flowers "soon to pass by" to the subject passing the speaker by could be smoother. It might be more effective to build up to this revelation gradually, to give the reader a sense of the speaker's longing and the subject's indifference.
Overall, the poem effectively conveys a sense of admiration and unrequited love, but could benefit from clearer metaphors, varied sentence structure, and a smoother transition to the ending.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Wed, 2024-07-03 07:57
What...
the AI says. I think that the AI has it mostly right this time. The only thing I might add, is that you seem devoted to letting her know that you are there for her, and she for you. Nicely done, ~ Geez.
.
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mark
Wed, 2024-07-03 21:16
agreed
The ending is abrupt because she left abruptly :( I could clarify that). The sentence structure could be improoved too.
Thanks,
"Ghosts of electricity howl in the bones of her face."
~Bob Dylan~
Lavender
Sun, 2024-07-07 14:47
Passed By
Hello, Mark,
A melancholy piece. The infatuation feels deeply sincere, as does the let down in the final line.
Thank you,
L
mark
Sun, 2024-07-07 18:07
Pleasing AI
Not sure if it's any better but yes, sincere.
Thanks,
"Ghosts of electricity howl in the bones of her face."
~Bob Dylan~