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Poison
Brussel sprouts, spinach
Promise of their vile flavor
My childhood poison
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
Wisconsin, USA
Favorite Poets
Candlewitch: I've been reading her poetry for over forty years., Paul Simon: "The Sounds of Silence" got me interested, but "Patterns" and "A Poem On The Underground Wall" really hooked me., Gordon Lightfoot: I acquired his "Sundown" album while in the Navy. "Circle of Steel" resonated with me and I have been an avid fan since.
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-01-11 17:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively utilizes the Haiku structure, maintaining the traditional 5-7-5 syllable count across its three lines. The choice of everyday vegetables as the subject matter grounds the poem in a relatable experience, which is a common feature of Haiku.
However, the poem could benefit from the inclusion of a kigo, or a season word, which is a traditional element of Haiku. This would provide a temporal context to the poem and deepen its connection to nature.
The use of the word 'poison' is a strong choice that conveys a sense of aversion and distaste. However, the phrase 'Promise of their vile flavor' could be refined. The word 'promise' typically has positive connotations, which may conflict with the negative tone you're aiming for. Consider using a word that more directly conveys the impending unpleasantness of the experience.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more vivid depiction of the sensory experience. Instead of telling the reader that the flavor is 'vile', show them how it affects the speaker. This could be achieved by using more descriptive language or by incorporating a metaphor or simile.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Unca Fez
Thu, 2024-01-11 20:40
Not A Haiku, A Senryu
This is not a haiku. It is a senryu. Therefore, no kireji or kigo is needed. The use of "promise" with "poison" was intended.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2024-01-11 20:48
Did you...
send a comment directly to the AI address? I do, every now and then. Maybe we can teach it something.
~ Geez.
.
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Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-01-11 11:29
Well...
there went my appetite!
*thanx, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Unca Fez
Thu, 2024-01-11 20:42
No Brussel Sprouts For You!
Since the senryu was based upon your distastes, that is not surprising. As you well know, I am anti-squash!
Thanx,
Steve
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2024-01-11 12:25
I know...
what you are saying! As a child, I didn't care much for spinach. I could eat it from a can, but not fresh spinach. My father was a big fresh spinach aficionado, no canned stuff for him! Unfortunately, he inflicted it on us children too; by making us sit there and gag it down. Ugh! Childhood poison! Yes! A great description. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Unca Fez
Thu, 2024-01-11 20:46
My "Sit At The Table Until You Finish It"
My "sit at the table until you finish it" was sauerkraut. I've since come to really like it, but, to my 6-year-old palate, it was corrosive! I think, perhaps, everyone has a "sit at the table until you finish it" food.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentRoseBlack
Thu, 2024-01-11 13:52
My poison too
Along with several others. I got lucky and my kids like all even some I would never have thought. This was a fun one!
~RoseBlack~
Unca Fez
Thu, 2024-01-11 20:48
Meat, Good! Veggies, Bad!
At least that seems to be the way I grew up. About the only one that I didn't grow out of was squash/candied yams. Just the smell makes me nauseous.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentLavender
Thu, 2024-01-11 18:24
Poison
I agree - a fun write! Nice form! Wish there was room for lima beans in there somewhere...
Thank you!
L
Unca Fez
Thu, 2024-01-11 20:50
It Wrote Itself
I've been hearing from Cat how poisonous brussel sprouts are for 42 years. It just fell into place. :)
Thanx,
Steve
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-01-12 09:09
And Peas
Do not forget Peas...(and grandma A.hole)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Clentin
Wed, 2024-07-03 12:29
Good poem
Good poem
Isn't is funny how those poisons of our childhood
often become delicacies of adulthood!
Unca Fez
Sun, 2024-07-07 10:20
It Is Funny
Along those lines, I can remember sipping my father's beer and wondering how he could drink the stuff. Now, I revel in the multitude of different styles and flavors that are available.
Thanx,
Steve
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