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Traveling Man...

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2024-07-09 22:18

I'm footsore and weary,
upon the road again
Through blazing heat and dust
drenched with cold and frozen rain

Many miles I've traveled,
up mountains and over hills
always keep on moving
I am looking for new thrills

What is on the other side,
around the next blind bend?
I wonder; keep on walking
is there ever any end?

Blue skies are never promised
but I keep looking for,
whatever treasures hidden
because I've always wanted more

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
07/24 On The Road
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-07-10 04:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Traveling Man" effectively uses imagery and metaphors to convey the theme of a continuous journey. The use of physical elements like "blazing heat and dust" and "cold and frozen rain" adds a layer of realism to the poem, making the reader feel the protagonist's struggle.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent rhythm and rhyme. For instance, the second and fourth lines of each stanza could have a similar number of syllables to create a more rhythmic flow. Additionally, the rhyme scheme seems to vary between stanzas, which can disrupt the reader's engagement.

The last stanza introduces a new element - the "truth of what you say". The sudden introduction of another character or voice might confuse the reader as it deviates from the established theme of a solitary journey. It might be beneficial to introduce this element earlier in the poem or provide more context to maintain thematic consistency.

The question "is there ever any end?" effectively conveys the protagonist's curiosity and restlessness. However, the poem could explore this existential question more deeply, perhaps by incorporating more introspective elements or metaphors.

Lastly, the use of clichés like "looking for new thrills" and "blue skies are never promised" could be replaced with more original expressions to enhance the poem's uniqueness and emotional impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-07-11 14:43

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I was with you all the way...right until the last verse. I think it is the last two lines that feel awkward.
a n excellent entry, good luck.

*hugs, Cat

*
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Geezer

Thu, 2024-07-11 21:57

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I saw what you meant and I think I've fixed it. What do you think? ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-07-12 17:40

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much better. the changes make a big difference!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Fri, 2024-07-12 23:38

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I always appreciate your input. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-07-24 13:15

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as do I appreciate yours...

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Lavender

Wed, 2024-07-24 12:23

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Hello, Geezer,
I feel the adventure in this! And I get the idea that this traveler will wander a very long time. I tripped a bit with "whatever treasures hidden." It feels like "whatever" needs an auxiliary word in there - "are hidden" but I'm not certain. Is "treasures" actually supposed to be single - treasure's, meaning "treasure is"? I enjoyed this journey on the road!
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Wed, 2024-07-24 14:16

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that I might make the [treasures] singular. I'm not sure that it really matters, because I think that I will discover a number of different things [treasures] along the way. Thank you for the read and comments. I will think about the addition of an auxiliary word. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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