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War
I am afraid mother, why do they want to kill us.
Why do they take our land, herd us like animals.
Yesterday we were playing ball in the rubble
of all those bombed out building, when we heard
a familiar sound. Everyone started running, but
Yaseem did not know and no one dared go back
for him with explosions going off all around.
I hear you at night crying in your room, and
I also begin to cry. I miss him too.
I think the old men were right to not let you go to him,
better he live in our memories, of his goodness, his love
that sheltered us in our need. Best to have not seen
the mangled remains of a good man.
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Wed, 2018-06-06 14:32
tyro
I applaud your sensitivities making you write about the war torn folks...i could visualize the mood..sentiments and emotions expressed in such true colors....they touched me creating a sense of helplessness...
I think in Line 2 Stanza 1 you may want to correct "heard" to "herd" which i believe is what you actually meant...
...................................................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Wed, 2018-06-06 14:50
they no longer get a thrill
in playing scrabble
crossing dots and dashes
they don't like chess
its slow and boring
neither do they like to play
Bridge or Rummy
it's not like Casinos ... BIG Gambling
they don't like to see what on screens/reels is happening
and want to do it in real life believing
so now their only pass time is to continue in war
all lure
every thing is fair in love and war
so they enjoy the part they seek all the more
no punishing award
so give the guys a chance
as you plotted them
see their sensibilities
have led to your composing poetry's
life is just like this
TIME PASS PLEASE
why about others worry
lovely is your thought of poetry
So many eat cookies and chips
IRiz
Wed, 2018-06-06 23:44
What a sad poem.
What a sad poem.
It makes me feel guilty being a part of big countries.
IRiz
tyro
Thu, 2018-06-07 19:01
thanks raj
thanks raj
I had been thinking about a war poem for the competition, but nothing came to me; then suddenly the first line came to me, and I wrote it out at once, with little though involved.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
tyro
Thu, 2018-06-07 19:06
Thanks for your reply lovedly
Thanks for your reply lovedly
"as you plotted them
see their sensibilities"
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
tyro
Thu, 2018-06-07 19:09
"What a sad poem."
"What a sad poem."
Think you;
I was trying to show war in the worst possible light, by not speaking about war, but of its devastating effect on the individual.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
IRiz
Thu, 2018-06-07 20:44
Yes you have succeeded
Yes you have succeeded
IRiz
gregwa8
Fri, 2018-06-08 01:28
this is powerful and heart
this is powerful and heart breaking. the power of imagining and not actually seeing Yaseem's "mangled remains." there is an honor to this poem as well as a vulnerability. it is a window into a reality none of us should experience, but some must. i really like the poem.
gregwa8
Fri, 2018-06-08 01:33
I hope you don't mind me
I hope you don't mind me sharing on your comment feed, but I wrote this poem the other day. I feel like yours captures the child's eye view, the dire effects on children, in a way that my poem doesn't.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
It seems a war
On children
The Syrian Civil War
Started with opposition to
Peaceful
Protests by young people in 2011
And by 2018
Has resulted in
Fifty five thousand
children’s deaths
We remember
The picture of the lifeless toddler
Face down
Washed up on the beach
And now child refugees
Throughout Europe and beyond
Must start a new life
With the memory of
Blown up buildings
Losing mothers, or aunts,
Or grandparents to gunfire
Being turned away from
Countries in which they
Sought asylum
A way no child
Should be treated
Even the adult mind
Can’t wrap around
War’s atrocities
How much less
These little
Ones?
tyro
Fri, 2018-06-08 06:46
Thanks for the reply gregwa8
Thanks for the reply gregwa8
and I like your poem, especially the last two stanzas.
Most replies speak of the power and sensitivity of the poem. I think this comes because in the back of my mind I thought of Rula, and wanted to feel compassion for some of the pain she may have gone through, seeing the hurt of her people.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
themoonman
Fri, 2018-06-08 14:50
Hello,
I like your poem, great content,
we've most of us lost someone
but this was just tragic, thank you
for sharing.
As a poem I think it needs to be
tightened up. What I mean is it
reads almost like a letter, make it
a poem. Remove the unnecessary;
I am afraid Mother, why do they herd us,
steal our land and kill us.
That was just an example of removing
part and selecting an order that not only
makes more sense but sounds better,
and that is what poetry is, the music of
language.
tyro
Fri, 2018-06-08 18:32
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying, themoonman,
but I was on another agenda. I was more trying for diction. Diction reveals character, imply attitudes, suggest values of a character.
I think it is just the fact that (it reads almost like a letter) which brings out the emotionalism of the poem.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
Rula
Sun, 2020-06-14 16:21
Oh dear!
this is so evocative. Living where I live, I can always relate to this kind of poetry. Death is present everyday.
Whether poetry or journal entry (as some might call it), it brought goosebumps as I red through.
Can't thank you enough for sharing this work dear Tyro
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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