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War and Sacrifice
Violent silhouettes
on the horizon.
Staring through time
exposed to their lies.
Pagers and cell phones
exploding at random.
Warfare is rampant
were’re just running blind!
Arrogant Jihad’s
romancing their weaponry.
Crawling through tunnels
that no one can find.
Whispering threats
through a network of chaos.
Reposing in caverns
and biding their time.
Remember when goodness
was more than an attitude.
Something that dwelt
at the heart of mankind.
Something that patriots
did more than dream of.
Following footprints
of blood sacrificed!
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How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-09-18 13:13
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "War and Sacrifice," effectively utilizes imagery to depict the harsh realities of war and conflict. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
1. Consistency in Tone: The poem starts with a dark and somber tone, but the use of modern technology like "Pagers and cell phones" in the second stanza somewhat disrupts this tone. If the intention is to juxtapose modern warfare with traditional imagery, it might be beneficial to introduce this concept more gradually or consistently throughout the poem.
2. Clarity in Message: The poem seems to be critiquing war and longing for a time when "goodness was more than an attitude." However, the message could be made clearer. For instance, the stanza about "Arrogant Jihad’s" might be seen as controversial or offensive to some readers. If the intention is to critique all forms of extremism, it might be beneficial to make this more explicit.
3. Rhythm and Rhyme: The poem has a somewhat irregular rhythm and rhyme scheme. While this can be effective in creating a sense of chaos or disarray, it might also make the poem more difficult to read. Consider revising the poem to have a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme.
4. Use of Language: The poem uses some strong and evocative language, such as "Violent silhouettes" and "Whispering threats." However, there are also some cliches and less impactful phrases, like "Following footprints." Consider revising these phrases to make the language more original and impactful.
5. Imagery: The poem uses some powerful imagery, such as "Crawling through tunnels that no one can find." However, there are also some images that are less clear, like "exploding at random." Consider revising these images to make them more vivid and specific.
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