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Time is not running (Narrative workshop)
The school opens at 7:00 am
And closes at 2:00 pm
Hmmm such a long time waiting
Well, the teacher's so nice
Friendly and jovial
All pupils enjoy learning
Their engagement flow well
But something changed
Excuse me miss
What time is it?
12:30 pm I guess
And she continues teaching
Jerry gazed at the clock endlessly
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.
Tick, Tock he counts the seconds
Seems like a count down game
It runs in his mind
The river side swimming game
Slowly the miss approaches
Hey Jerry
What are you thinking
In shuck jerry answered
But the time is not running
What's about it? Miss asked
Uhh, but I must run
Jerry, the most playful amongst all
He jumped out of the class.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Just remember my primary school days
Editing stage:
Workshop:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Fri, 2021-04-30 09:41
hello Simon,
should the line: "what time it is?" be: what time is it? and Tik Tak is usually: Tick Tock, Tick Tock, for the marching of the clock. keep working on it, I'm sure that you will do well. good luck to you!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Simon
Sat, 2021-05-01 06:43
I so appreciate
You for ticking out my mistakes thank you so much
I rather learn how to fish than to beg for one
Ray Whitaker
Mon, 2021-05-03 22:25
There’s a lot to this
However i think you should add a bunch more to it. Develop it more, by adding more content about the classroom maybe?
You don’t have to go as far as Van Halen did, in the song “Hot For Teacher” however you could add some scene that relates where the classroom is.
Strap in for this video.... private message me if you want the link for the video
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Simon
Sat, 2021-05-08 09:56
Thank you
Very much for another suggestion I will work towards it, you know it's draft work so when I revisit it I'll do as that.
Michael Anthony
Sat, 2021-05-08 12:35
Hi Simon! I enjoyed the
Hi Simon! I enjoyed the enthusiasm and lighthearted humor of this piece - good stuff! Not sure you need to really add too much more to this, but there are some suggestions that might help clarify the intent and humor of this piece of narrative poetry.
Some random thoughts:
- "In shuck jerry answered" - maybe: flippantly, Jerry answered, or mischievously, Jerry answered...
- "But the time is not running What's about it? Miss asked" - maybe: The time seems to be standing still. "What about it?" Miss asked
Just a couple of suggestions Simon, but I think you are on the right track - thanks for sharing!
Best
Michael Anthony
Simon
Mon, 2021-05-10 10:06
Thanks michael
You must be a good editor, I really appreciate your suggestion and will do something about it.
Simon
Mon, 2021-05-10 10:06
Thanks michael
You must be a good editor, I really appreciate your suggestion and will do something about it.