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To Sleep by Georgian Bay
The open casements by my bed,
speak the sound of the Georgian shore,
when the moonless black night,
blinds in dark my open eyes.
I can only listen
to the rhythmic lapping water’s edge
on the nearby stones and sand,
saying,
Swoosh to sleep now,
Swoosh to sleep now,
In the whispered shush,
like the small curled waves
seeping back from shape,
I softly curl away,
into my seeping dreams,
Below the surface ripples,
spent by windswept crashes,
foamy fist’s thundering pound
that splashed white
on the gray gone day,
I am the blood flood shore.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Tue, 2011-03-01 05:09
Great poem,
Great poem, at first i was not sure, i thought i'd read it all before. But reading it a few times, convinced me. Only thing i would do different is write it in verse, break it up, i think it would be more effective. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
ArrowWords
Tue, 2011-03-01 07:48
Verses
Thanks. I've broken it up into verses. I think the breaks are in the right places, but always have trouble being sure. I agree with your suggestion. Reading it aloud I was pausing without thinking about it and failed to put that on the page.
ArrowWords
Tue, 2011-03-01 07:50
Last word?
Thanks. I'm a little confused about your suggestion. Did you mean "peace"?
CCfire
Sun, 2011-04-17 22:02
Just lovely
You do have a way of making a poem almost into a whisper. I'd perhaps watch how many gerunds you use (ing words) that tend to weaken the images. But in saying that it's just my preference in how I write, this is just a beautiful piece.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
ArrowWords
Wed, 2011-04-20 10:17
Thanks. Good comment. I have
Thanks. Good comment. I have made a few changes, trying to leave the gerunds only where they serve a purpose.
Cheers,
Don
scribbler
Wed, 2011-04-20 22:08
hello
One of the more peaceful soothing poems I've read in a while. Right up to blood floor shore which I must be too tired to know what That means lol................scribbler