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Forbidden Love
She told me she'd love me till the end of time,
I never knew it'd be in a haste to take what's mine.
Did it really have to end the way it did?
Meeting you was the most beautifully
inconvenient mistake I've ever made,
I enjoyed all the memories made.
The moon and the stars always looked
forward to seeing me for they always
heard beautifully crafted romantic stories,
All derived from exquisite experiences.
Don't be surprised one day when the moon
calls you by name, they enjoyed storytime.
The sun always considered you as competition,
Always trying to surpass you but couldn't glow
brighter than you.. maybe the diamond could compete,
She secretly admires you and looks up to you.
I've wondered if we still in love...
'cause if the feeling is mutual then
we shouldn't have ended it.
Maybe we tried ripping what we didn't sow,
Or we fell fast in love, in a haste so
thrilling we forgot to nurture it and let it
grow naturally till it could bind us together.
All I ever wanted was to grow old with you,
Instead, obliviously we grew apart till we
couldn't do anything about it.
All I'm left with is a delusional imagination,
A broken heart endlessly rhyming and painting
pictures for a living, funny enough I love it.
I resorted to pen and paper
to empty my mind
Instead of fighting a losing battle
trying to make you mine.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-10-22 00:10
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem presents a vivid exploration of the theme of unrequited love, utilizing a range of metaphors and imagery to convey the speaker's emotional state. The structure of the poem, with its varying line lengths, reflects the tumultuous nature of the speaker's feelings.
The use of celestial bodies as symbols for the speaker's love interest is an effective tool. However, the transition between the moon and stars enjoying the speaker's stories to the sun considering the love interest as competition could be smoother. This could be achieved by introducing a linking sentence or phrase to maintain the flow of the narrative.
The poem could also benefit from a more consistent use of tense. For example, the lines "I've wondered if we still in love..." and "we shouldn't have ended it" switch between present and past tense, which can be confusing for the reader. Maintaining a consistent tense throughout the poem would enhance its clarity.
The final stanza effectively conveys the speaker's resignation and acceptance of their situation. However, the phrase "funny enough I love it" seems to contradict the overall tone of the poem. If this is intended as a form of self-deprecation or irony, it might be beneficial to make this clearer to the reader.
The poem's exploration of the theme of unrequited love is engaging and emotionally resonant. With some minor adjustments to improve clarity and consistency, it could be even more impactful.
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