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NOTHING LASTS

My boots exit the soft leafy duff
and clomp on a tar and gravel road.
The stars are out, I've had enough
of carrying my lonely load.

I unsling rifle from my shoulder
then place it in its well worn case
exhale a breath that's turning colder.
Of mid day warmth there is no trace.

I stiffly get into my truck
no need to punish achy knees
already stiff from slippery muck
which a while ago began to freeze.

The old truck cranks without a hitch
So I turn the lights and heater on
then scratch at a half healed scar's itch
reverse my course and then I'm gone.

No passenger now shares this ride.
No one to tell the day's tales to.
They've all gone to the other side.
The time for sharing with them through.

The silence weighs, the tires hum
so I fill the cab with the radio
telling of a boy who has a drum
while down the road I go.

As the miles and time pile up on me
and forest turns to well kept fences
the memories of those who used to be
push tears past my weak defenses.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses vivid imagery and a consistent rhyme scheme to convey a sense of loneliness and nostalgia. The use of the first-person perspective helps to immerse the reader in the speaker's experience.

However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. Firstly, the rhythm of the poem is somewhat inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow when reading. For instance, the line "of carrying my lonely road" is noticeably shorter than the other lines in the first stanza. Try to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout the poem to enhance its musicality.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from a more varied vocabulary. The word 'road' is used twice in the first stanza, which can feel repetitive. Consider using synonyms or rephrasing to avoid repetition and keep the reader engaged.

Lastly, the poem's narrative could be clearer. The speaker's actions and emotions are well-described, but it's not entirely clear why they are alone or who they are missing. Providing more context could help the reader to better understand and empathize with the speaker's feelings.

Overall, this poem effectively communicates a sense of solitude and longing, but could be improved by refining the rhythm, vocabulary, and narrative clarity.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

I got an ominous feeling while reading your poem... are you all right?

my favorite lines are:

The old truck cranks without a hitch
So I turn the lights and heater on
then scratch at a half healed scar's itch
reverse my course and then I'm gone.

*love and hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

This is actually a poem I started a few years ago and finally came up with a finish that I though would work. Besides I'm too ornery to get sick any time soon lol

author comment

Well, now you know how effective this poem is...It Scared Me!!! well written! *many hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

just wait until I finally get around to posting my picture lol

author comment

Your poems are often so deep and reflective of what I am guessing is your past life. I enjoy reading your memories and how you bring them to life through your words. Well done.

~RoseBlack~

can anybody know better than their own past? I am pleased you dropped by for a visit

author comment

This was so good I had to read it again and again and again. I loved the way you told me your story and your final stanza, needs no explanation other than deeply heartfelt.

As the miles and time pile up on me
and forest turns to well kept fences
the memories of those who used to be
push tears past my weak defenses.

The only thing I picked up on was in the first stanza where you used the word road twice in line 2 & 4? I think line 4 should be load?

Your talent is to be admired. I really enjoyed this poem. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Let me recheck the road/load thing. I thought I'd already changed that...........stan

author comment

Deep stuff, real pain expertly brought to life.

Being an old guy myself it becomes more obvious that pain and age go hand in hand. But the memories of younger days help one to endure

author comment

Well its also nice to come across perfectly aged poetry, like fine wine, with all the flavor a long life of love and loss could brew in one man.

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