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Song of the past
I had a thought of you, back when I met you
Angelic thoughts, painted right
A song I'd play, often nights
Gazing the sky, while standing by
Awaiting time, for you to be mine
I was manifesting and nearly had
I may have rushed for what we had
Barely there, the love you shared
I did compare, the thing we had,
To the one with her, a girl from the past
The one I birthed, when I saw you there
You looked like her,
I saw you like that
It wasn't meant to be, and that is hard
The way it ended, is the way it was,
Before it even begun
It doesn't matter now
I am okay, I am alright
And I hope you are, too
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2024-08-26 12:30
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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Geezer
Mon, 2024-08-26 09:45
I have the feeling...
that this was a possible [what I call] two for.
The theme is a mix of two different thoughts, with no clear definition between them.
I had the feeling that the scenario was one of mourning for the child you never had
and, or the one that you did have and were separated from, [no matter the circumstance].
On the technical aspect of this piece, I see that you have used [had] frequently and within a few words or lines.
I think it would read a bit better if you used different words.
"I was manifesting and nearly [did].
"I did compare the thing we "were"
This is a very touching piece that I think you will revise after the initial post.
Let it settle a day or two, and then go back to look at it. ~ Geezer.
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