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Senryu Condemnation
Your words are poison
coated with honey-sweet lies
decreasing self-worth
Do not speak of love
when you caused many heartaches
with your selfishness
A real man speaks truth
not hide like cowardly fools
behind shades of lies
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Thu, 2014-04-17 19:14
Alid
Your strict syllable arrangement is spot on you have all that is required for a Senryu, now off you go and join Barbara Writes in her production of a Senryu, a few have been invited and with this piece I think that you can join us there,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2014-04-17 23:53
great
love it..
check syllable count in last line of senyru 2. I think its just 4_ so cas ual ly
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
alidzain
Fri, 2014-04-18 06:43
Thanks, Ian & Barbara
for the visit and the comments.
Alid
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2014-04-18 09:55
Alid
this is very good in it's clarity, I just have one question.
I see that the syllable count is 5, 6, 5, but in the third stanza line two it is 7 syllables
"not hide like cowardly fools" (co-ward- ly)
I might be wrong it is just an observation...
Eddie. C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Barbara Writes
Fri, 2014-04-18 15:20
Alid
This is great
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Fri, 2014-04-18 15:43
Hi Alid
The syllable count is spot on (5-7-5). From what I have heard the best Senryu always have a bit of a "twist" at the end though. But whether or not my memory is playing tricks on me this series ties together well.......stan
alidzain
Fri, 2014-04-18 17:48
Thanks, stan
for the comment and the visit. See if you can help me with the twist.
scribbler
Fri, 2014-04-18 21:24
ok
First Senryu changed to have minor twist :
Your words are poison
always decreasing self worth
with honey sweetness
The twist is the dichotomy from poison / decreasing worth and honey sweetness..............stan