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Wasteland (eddy styx) EDITED
Wasteland
torrid streams of tears
changing
into vaporous steam
falling on the desert
of his heart
her begging and pleading
disregarded
as even now
with no oasis in sight
she is discarded
and breaking
on the never ending
sand dunes
of his indifferent
consideration
hers is a slow
death by starvation
in the icy-hot
shadow-less lands
of the loveless
arid desert of his soul
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
For the "Book of Styx II"
Editing stage:
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Comments
lou
Thu, 2011-07-07 14:47
Cat
I like the way you have used extremely short lines, and managed to retain your own style. Packed with atmosphere.
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-07-12 11:23
Dear Lou,
Glad you enjoyed the atmosphere!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
raj
Thu, 2011-07-07 15:43
Dearest Cat...
hope your wrist is getting fine...once again you have come up with this fine composition using the elements of a desert to express emotions...the only one missed out is an oasis..though it may be out of sync in the context of the essence of this write....i was hoping you would fit it somewhere even if as a means of contrast...just a thought...the entire poem reads s well even without it...
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-07-12 11:26
Thanks raj,
I added the oasis just for you! I think it reads better now.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
raj
Tue, 2011-07-12 14:48
good to know you liked the
good to know you liked the suggestion...hope your wrist is healing up fast..
much love..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-07-12 11:27
Dear Chrys,
Thanks muchly!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-07-12 11:29
Dear Lonnie,
You've guessed the secret ingredient!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-07-08 03:54
Not worthy of Eddie,
sorry cat, but just another whinging love poem.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-07-12 11:30
Wrong Again, Sunshine!
Not a love poem, this is about cruelty and abuse.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-07-12 15:18
oh boy, I need new glasses
or a new brain,
sorry cat
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-07-13 10:48
That's okay, Jess
Everyone has an off day, LOL!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-07-12 14:59
wasteland
wasteland
torrid steams
of tears
falling on the desert
of his heart
her begging and pleading
disregarded
now,
with no oasis insight
he discards her
to break
over never-ending
sand dunes
of his indifferent
consideration
hers is a slow
death by love's starvation
on a shadow-less land
she is turning into ice.....
Use whatever you will or not, Cat.
~A
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-07-13 10:56
Dear Anna,
Thanks for the help, it is always appreciated.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-07-13 10:58
Dear Ian,
Thanks for the catch! I had been over it several times and hadn't caught it.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Bonitaj
Wed, 2011-07-13 10:52
Wow CAT!
I can remember writing something with a similar theme, and you're right! When you're in this territory - there is no oasis in sight!!!
Good one!
Boni
Bonitaj
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-07-13 11:00
Dear Boni,
I'd love to see what you have written! Is it posted on neo? Thanks for reading and commenting.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Thu, 2011-07-14 11:05
Dearest Jayne-Chloe,
Thank you for the read. I hope that you are well.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Esker
Wed, 2011-10-19 13:51
Rainshadow
Rainshadow hearts
consume the tart tears
sweetened with ache
the agony of the drought
wrung out
Another great write Cat!
desert hides thickened
and tanned by the relentless
aridity
the feirce and brutal gaze
stiffens emotions
stiflies hearts
to one day melt
in the rare rains
the rare snows
settling
darkening all
that is divisible
and not entirely
invisible
..
magics02
Wed, 2011-10-19 14:19
Thoughts
RUNES
she is discarded
and breaking
on the never ending
sand dunes
of his indifferent
consideration
Wow girl spot on here.
Love To you
Witch Magic:)