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Arrivals and departures

Submitted by Tigger Kaz on Mon, 2024-09-02 04:49

In the beginning,
In arrivals.
I started to cry,
Didn't know if or how,
I could flap my wings, and fly.

Then I wandered and roamed,
Stepping out into the fire.
Treaded carefully and slowly,
Hoped to learn,
Tried hard not to burn.

Only life wasn't kind,
Many traps were set.
Evil people came calling,
Clipped my wings,
Sent me falling.

Then the seasons did change,
When hope came my way.
Bringing joy into my heart,
Pushed the darkness away,
And told my demons to depart.

And when I reach the departures,
As I breathe, my final breath.
I hope I've done my level best.
To push those fears away,
To lay life's demons to rest.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 09/01/24 to 09/07/24
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-09-02 10:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Arrivals and Departures" presents a journey of self-discovery and growth, using the metaphor of flight to symbolize freedom and self-empowerment. The narrative arc is clear, moving from a place of uncertainty and fear to a place of hope and resolution.

However, there are areas that could be improved for a more impactful reading experience. The poem could benefit from more specific imagery. For example, instead of stating "evil people came calling," consider showing the reader what these people did that was harmful. This could create a more vivid and engaging experience for the reader.

The rhythm of the poem is somewhat inconsistent. While free verse does not require a strict meter, maintaining a consistent rhythm can enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more enjoyable to read.

The final stanza seems to suggest a resolution or acceptance, but it could be more powerful if it were more specific about what this resolution entails. What does it mean to have done one's "level best"? What specific fears are being pushed away? By answering these questions, the poem could offer a more satisfying conclusion.

The poem's theme of overcoming adversity is a powerful one, and with some refinement, this piece could more effectively convey this message.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Sen99

Fri, 2024-09-06 03:12

Sen99's picture

I hope that you feel better after writing this, a creative poem with simple rhymes and clear imagery, a reflection of personal struggles yet with a message of hope at the end. Well written.

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