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Drowning In Shallow Waters

Submitted by Apostolos "Paul... on Mon, 2024-09-16 15:46

We have
Lost our road,
Drowning
In shallow waters.

Trust, once noble and honored,
Is now just a sign
For the restroom.

Evil became
A trash can
That never gets
Emptied.

How long will we say yes
To a madness
That infects more
Than any pandemic?

Are we content
Being revolving doors—
Letting insanity
Become a citizen
Instead of a prisoner
Serving life?

It doesn’t matter
Who owns the house—
If you don’t rid it of rodents,
They multiply.

So, solve the problems
With real change,
Or slap on another band-aid
For a wound
That needs stitches.

The choice is ours—
But we'd rather
Sit in the backseat,
Taken on a trip
Through potholes
And unpaved roads.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-09-16 21:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively utilizes metaphors and imagery to convey its message, making it engaging to the reader. However, the clarity of the message could be improved. The metaphors, while evocative, are somewhat disjointed, making it difficult to discern a consistent theme or message.

The metaphor of "drowning in shallow waters" is a strong opening, suggesting a sense of overwhelming despite seemingly manageable circumstances. The subsequent metaphors, however, shift focus to different aspects, such as trust, evil, madness, and rodents. While each metaphor is powerful on its own, their connection to each other and to the overarching theme of the poem could be clarified.

The poem also seems to shift between different tones. The first half of the poem has a more philosophical tone, while the second half has a more call-to-action tone. Consistency in tone can help to enhance the overall impact of the poem.

The use of rhetorical questions can be effective in engaging the reader, but too many can make the poem seem more like an argument or a lecture than a piece of art. Consider reducing the number of rhetorical questions and replacing them with more descriptive or emotive language.

The final stanza does a good job of summarizing the poem's message and leaving the reader with something to ponder. However, the metaphor of a backseat trip through potholes and unpaved roads could be developed further to enhance its impact.

Overall, this poem has a strong foundation and with some refinement, it can be even more powerful. Consider focusing on a single metaphor or theme and developing it throughout the poem, maintaining a consistent tone, and balancing rhetorical questions with more descriptive language.

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Lavender

Tue, 2024-09-17 09:28

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Hello, Paul,
This is stirring. For me, it speaks of our social media and news outlets. We truly have become revolving doors letting insanity become citizens. I watch the news and see references to social media remarks and remind myself that this is not an honorable life. We are underestimating ourselves and society. And yet it has become the norm.
Thank you!
L

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