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end of the drought

Submitted by Lavender on Sun, 2024-08-11 19:29

such a peaceful rain
even the fierce crocodile
bathes with the zebra

Revisions without adjectives:

rain eases the dust
as the zebra freely bathes
among crocodiles

rain eases the dust
as the crocodile forgives
the zebra bathing

Style / type:

Structured: Eastern

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

I'll be working on this. I'd like to keep haiku 5,7,5 and describe the same idea without using the adjectives "peaceful" and "fierce" or any adjectives at all. Suggestions are very welcome, please! Revision without adjectives. Dunno... not pleased with the inactive final line.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Leslie

Mon, 2024-08-12 08:41

L

Very nice! I loved these sentiments of absolute truth, truly beautiful!

All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!

Lavender

Wed, 2024-08-14 11:50

Hello, Leslie,

Haiku is always a bit of a challenge. I'm so glad you enjoyed this one.
Thank you for reading!
L

author comment

Alex Tanner

Mon, 2024-08-12 13:04

Hello L.

How about "An Eirene sent rain" and changing violent to hungry. Alex

Lavender

Wed, 2024-08-14 12:01

Hello, Alex!

I've been studying proper haiku recently which encourages using as few adjectives as possible, if at all. I like where you are going with "Eiren sent rain." Not certain of your reference to "violent," but "hungry" would still be an adjective. My goal is to learn to show the observation with action/feeling rather than literally telling so much with adjectives. Many thanks for your suggestions! I appreciate it!
L

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-08-13 08:32

Dear Lavender,

my suggestions:

such a (placid) rain
even the (fell) crocodile
bathes with the zebra

thanks for getting me to think, lol!
*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Lavender

Wed, 2024-08-14 12:06

Hello, Cat!

How are you? I like your suggestions, but they, too, are adjectives which I'd like to avoid. I'm learning that proper haiku is concise and uses as few adjectives as possible, if at all. I'd love to find just the right words to do this. It's a challenge! Thank you for helping me with this! Always grateful for your comments!
Lx

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-08-15 12:22

Dear Lavender,

I very much like your revision.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-08-15 12:27

how about...

rain wet the surface (for the first line)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Lavender

Thu, 2024-08-15 13:59

Hello, Cat!

I'll think over your wonderful suggestion! I was hoping the first line still reflected the feeling of peace, so I chose "eases" but maybe not...
I'll probably let this one sit a spell and come back to it, but thank you so much with helping me! You've given me fresh ideas!
Thank you!
Lx

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-08-15 16:16

Sweet Lavender,

you are most welcome!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Triskelion

Sat, 2024-08-17 08:57

Dear Lavender

...kudos to you to in your pursuit of writing traditional haiku. I find it somewhat irritating when the form is butchered with its americanization of the noble form. Of course, I am guilty of the same crime, lol..
There have recently been some decent guidelines posted on the internet lately with some refreshing examples of the form. I read (a) haiku some years ago on another website that was so simple and created such a powerful image, I shied away from writing them mostly. and...it didn't follow the 5-7-5 (rule) I forget the poet's name now...

I think it might help you if you eliminate certain words from your first version and express the same thought without them, as much as you can.
Here is how I think you should start to rethink it. Basically, it generates the same vision without most of the words.

rain
crocodile, zebra
bathing

Just my opinion, of course and I could ramble on about the merits of my reasoning like a school marm, but that wouldn't help...lol

Again, good luck in your pursuit. Your subject matter is properly intriguing for this form.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Lavender

Mon, 2024-08-19 11:54

Hello Thomas,

Haiku is one of the poetry forms that, for me, holds so much respect. To get that "aha" reaction with so few words is remarkable. I like your take on the original post - the observation is deeply felt, not just described - the purpose of haiku, and poetry in general. I'll check into more internet guidelines and teachings as you suggested, and spend time reading much more haiku. As far as the 5.7.5 - that's just the "challenger" in me, especially eliminating adjectives. I did recently read the difference between westernized haiku, which counts syllables, and eastern haiku which counts lovely word sounds, which may define the original 17 count. As always, I appreciate your help and wisdom with poetry forms.
Thank you, Thomas!
L

author comment

Alex Tanner

Sat, 2024-08-17 11:29