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No Sight Seeing In Hell

Submitted by Apostolos "Paul... on Tue, 2024-09-10 16:10

When crawling through hell,
Don’t stop to see the locals—
Keep moving, even if
The next step is your last.

Yes, it’s a daunting task,
Not impossible, just one
That may leave you with
The last drop of faith
In your plastic bottle.

Even if the natives
Offer you rest,
Stay on your path,
Knowing a feast
Awaits.

If strength slumbers,
Keep your eyes open
For demons tempting
With fleeting joy.

Endure whatever storm
May rise,
By believing that,
Like all dark days,
It must pass.

If Satan promises
A world without labor,
Tell him you have God
In your heart, and faith
Is the star that
Guides you.

Slowly, his smile
Will vanish,
And he’ll become
A pebble in the sand.

Don’t entertain worry
Or any of her friends—
They’re lonely,
And though they won't kill you,
They’ll stir turbulence
In your mind.

You’ll reach
A place where sunsets
And sights
Make your soul
Want to dance.

Keep going—
A few more steps,
And you’ll be a navigator,
Not a victim
Like those
Who went sightseeing
In hell.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-09-10 22:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "No Sight Seeing In Hell" employs a strong narrative voice and vivid imagery to convey its message. The use of metaphor and symbolism is effective, particularly in the portrayal of the protagonist's journey through hell.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The varying line lengths and syllable counts can make the poem feel disjointed and disrupt the flow. A more consistent rhythm could help to enhance the narrative and make the poem more engaging to read.

The poem's theme of perseverance in the face of adversity is clear, but the message could be strengthened by exploring the protagonist's emotions and experiences in more depth. The use of abstract concepts such as 'faith' and 'worry' can feel detached from the protagonist's personal journey. By grounding these concepts in specific, tangible experiences, the poem could create a more immersive and emotionally resonant narrative.

The poem's conclusion also feels somewhat abrupt. The transition from the protagonist's struggle in hell to their triumph over adversity could be developed more gradually and subtly to create a more satisfying and impactful ending.

Finally, the poem's language and tone could be refined to better suit its dark and dramatic theme. The use of colloquial language and casual phrasing can detract from the poem's intensity and undermine the seriousness of the protagonist's journey. By adopting a more formal and poetic language, the poem could create a more powerful and evocative atmosphere.

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Geezer

Wed, 2024-09-11 09:19

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I'm thinking that this is a soliloquy of major proportions.
A running dialog with oneself, as the trek through Hell is made.
Beware of temptation and the offers of rest in the mires of everyday life. Don't take the easy route, be on guard against all the things that one can trip up on. My favorite lines?

"Yes, it's a daunting task,
Not impossible, just one
That may leave you with
The last drop of faith
In your plastic bottle."

I found it interesting that you chose a plastic bottle for your faith.
Is that a signal of the artificialness of today's religion?
A bed of metaphor and introspection. Nicely done, ~ Geez.
.

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Apostolos "Paul...

Thu, 2024-09-12 00:09

Apostolos "Paul" Anagnostopoulos's picture
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for your words

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