Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Death Camp: Auschwitz (Heavily Reworked)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Mon, 2024-09-30 08:06

Driven from their ancestral homes,
tattoo, from guns enforced.
Spilling over, into the night,
in their minds, confusion coursed.

Stripped of dignity and clothing
belongings sorted in piles.
Lastly, vile claiming of lies
most emphatic denials.

Jewish populous on the streets
sent to death camps without hope.
Shaven heads were compulsory
disinfectant served as soap!

Many to chambers spraying Gas
or fed to massive fire pits,
which coughed up mortal residue
from this horrid, German Blitz!

streets fouled with human remains
oven exhausts pumping ash,
as Jews were herded like cattle
treated much like human trash.

Ashes float on air currents,
drifting down like flakes of snow.
Lands on all things of a clear night
bright lights of Auschwitz aglow!

Say a prayer for those who died
for the crime of being born.
Old, weak, children in their beds
it is not too late to mourn...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
notepad: More Styx
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 09/29/24 to 10/05/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-09-30 14:10

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem is a powerful depiction of the horrors of Auschwitz and the Holocaust. Its use of vivid, gruesome imagery serves to underscore the atrocities committed and the inhumanity of the situation. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas but deviates from this in the following stanzas. Maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme can help to create a rhythm and flow that makes the poem more engaging and easier to read.

2. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation. For example, some lines end with a comma, others with a period, and some with no punctuation at all. Consistent punctuation can help to guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended pauses and breaks in the rhythm.

3. Word Choice: Some of the language used in the poem, such as "vile claiming of lies" and "oven exhausts pumping ash," is somewhat vague or unclear. More precise and descriptive language could help to create a more vivid and impactful image in the reader's mind.

4. Theme and Message: While the poem effectively communicates the horror of Auschwitz, it could benefit from a clearer thematic focus or message. This could be achieved by exploring a specific aspect of the Holocaust or by conveying a particular perspective or emotional response to the events described.

5. Meter: The poem's meter is inconsistent, which can disrupt the rhythm and flow. Adjusting the syllable count and stress patterns in each line to create a more consistent meter could improve the poem's readability and impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2024-09-30 12:27

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

Good work. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-09-30 13:01

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

thank you and remember I am always fine with suggestions.

*hugs, Cat x

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Leslie

Tue, 2024-10-01 06:48

Leslie's picture

You are right, it is never too late to mourn!

Today never knows what tommorow will bring!

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.