Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Omaha Beach Landing 1944

Submitted by Candlewitch on Wed, 2024-10-02 08:36

Occupied Normandy was rife
with our foe, seeking secret spies.
French Resistance fighters helping
U.S. extracting truth from lies.

News: "Wounds with a languorous heart"
announcing the call to action
D-Day happening in Europe
now readying for all factions

The waters on Omaha Beach
included waves to knock you down
transport ships unloading the first
under fire, some would drown

the ocean waters were infused
running red with blood of the dead
on the shore, our boys fought bravely
scaled the heights showered by lead

by dire odds they claimed the beach
it was the longest day for scores
survivors halved that fateful day
never forget, way of the corps!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
more styx notepad
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-10-02 08:36

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

Watch this space! Our AI will post a response here in about 6 hours.

Alex Tanner

Wed, 2024-10-02 10:42

Alex Tanner's picture

Hello Cat. This was indeed an heroic day. Can I say, and please don't be offended, you could with some subtle, or not, word changes drive home the real horror of it. Tighten it ditch, unnecessary words. For example, the 4th.

Cold waters ran red with blood
from bodies broken and torn
from a hail of red hot lead
as survivors fought gallantly on.

Then another verse depicting the struggle up the beach.
I will also say I didn't much like the first verse.
I rarely comment on works but you write such marvelous stuff I just felt compelled to comment on this one.
Now you can tell me to "duck off". Alex

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-10-02 12:27

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

Thank you for your suggestions and telling me what you think. I really appreciate your input. I can see that I have much work to do on this poem... I will be working on it for a great while ahead. If you can think of anything else, pleas let me know?

I am so glad my works interest you. you have given me my first smile of the day, thank you very much!

so much appreciation, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.