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The cries
If I ever beheld tears
Falling from your heavenly and celestial,
Ocean like eyes
I'd wrap my fractured hand around you,
Not moving until the ache and grief
Drifted far away
From your precious and treasured being,
While my words
Would find their way to you
Carrying the warmth of thousand stars
Soothing your tender heart
Style / type:
Free verse
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I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-08-09 16:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The cries" exhibits a strong emotional resonance, using vivid imagery and metaphorical language to convey a sense of empathy and comfort. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
1. Consistency of Metaphors: The poem uses a variety of metaphors, such as "ocean like eyes" and "warmth of thousand stars", to describe the subject's emotional state. While these metaphors are evocative, they could be more effectively used if they were more consistent or interconnected throughout the poem. This would provide a more cohesive and immersive experience for the reader.
2. Use of Adjectives: The poem tends to rely heavily on adjectives, such as "heavenly and celestial", "precious and treasured". While these adjectives do contribute to the emotional tone of the poem, they could be used more sparingly or replaced with more concrete imagery. This would make the descriptions more vivid and impactful.
3. Clarity of Narrative: The poem's narrative could be clearer. The intention of the speaker to comfort the subject is evident, but the specifics of their relationship and the cause of the subject's grief are vague. Providing more context could deepen the emotional impact of the poem.
4. Rhythm and Flow: The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. This would enhance the flow of the poem and make it more engaging to read.
5. Use of Language: The language used in the poem is quite formal and ornate. While this can be effective in conveying a certain mood or tone, it could also be seen as distancing or overly dramatic. Experimenting with a more conversational or direct style of language might make the poem more accessible and relatable to a wider audience.
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Lavender
Fri, 2024-08-09 21:59
The Cries
Hello, Mini,
A gentle, soothing offering of comfort. I really liked the celestial references following through the entire poem. I was a bit stumped with "I'd wrap my fractured hand around you." I believe I understand the meaning, but it was a little hard to not take that line literally - the image of a literal fractured hand kinda stayed with me.
I can sense how important and precious the subject is to the narrator. Very tender.
Thank you!
L