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a bar with broken hearts
he predicted it,
the way seismologists can
with tremors of the earth.
he predicted she would leave
and wouldn't excuse it
or write him words to weep with,
she would simply disappear
the same way she arrived
he will drink her away,
find some small corner,
sit and face remorse
in a smudged, dirty glass
and he won't stop
until the feeling dies
or he does
'she had eyes' he said
'that melted polar icecaps
mistaken for global warming,
i saw myself in hers'
i could only wonder
what kind of woman
gets up and disappears,
who becomes like
the remnants of smoke
he looks me in the face and says
'she was everything'
it occurred to me right then
this might be why we all go back;
back to the well more than once
because love can be beautiful
even when it is this goddamn painful
Comments
Blue_Halcyon
Mon, 2011-03-28 07:25
It is because she has those eyes - that she can leave
Some women are like that - just have trouble staying in one spot, and there are men just like them as well. They are the sort of creatures that will beat themselves to death on the bars of a cage that a relationship creates.
I used to be one of those that would run. (In fact, one guy I was engaged to was aware of my tendancy to run. He joked that he would buy me a pair of running shoes as my wedding gift. We never made it to the altar.)
I also know about going back - that can be dangerous! hahaha lol
Another excellent poem - keep up the good work.
It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
CCfire
Mon, 2011-03-28 20:47
I agree there are a lot like
I agree there are a lot like that both male and female, it's a shame sometimes that we tend to play with the human psyche which afterall is rather tenuous at the best of times. Thank you so much for the comment.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-03-28 08:05
[shudders in self recognition]
well, at one point in my life anyway.
Effective.
Do you think you might have lost your way in this a bit? You don't follow through with the environmental metaphor. The last three verses seem to stray into general reflections. This could be 2 separate poems or, with some work, one really good one.
cheers,
Jess
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CCfire
Mon, 2011-03-28 20:49
I am never sure which
I am never sure which direction my writing takes, it tends to pour out and become what it is in around five minutes and then it takes awhile for me to sit and review what I've actually written, I wish I could slow the process down sometimes but a muse is what it is I suppose..I think the emotional relationship aspect became more demanding than the environmental metaphor which is probably why it strayed.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
scribbler
Mon, 2011-03-28 23:12
hello
I don't write much free verse, but I enjoyed this one a great deal. I have a few ideas you could consider :
L-2 try moving"can" at beginning of L-3 to end of L-2
L-11 try face HIS remorse
L-24 try the aroma of vanished smoke
just a few random alternatives which you are of course free to trash.........................scribbler PS welcome to the asylum lol
CCfire
Mon, 2011-03-28 23:20
Thanks
I liked your first suggestion, the others lol..I like less filler words and pronouns rather than have it read too prosey. But thanks I enjoy all input :) Thanks I think I have papers now to be locked up in here for awhile lol
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
raj
Tue, 2011-03-29 13:43
Hi CC
this is the second one i read today which is an eye opener in the context of the devastating effects of the tsunami dwelling upon if man is responsible for it in a way because of his greed...focussing in a subtle manner the value of living in harmony with nature and mother earth...
raj (sublime_ocean)
CCfire
Tue, 2011-03-29 21:44
oops..is this a first glitch on new site?
Your Fukushima comment is posted on my other poem...I gather somewhere along the line you read both :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
pleiades
Sat, 2011-04-09 19:53
i like this a lot
i like this a lot
the easy conversational tone
is one i particularly like in writes
it's one of my prefered kind of
writes, actually
this presented clear imagery of
the scenario
so easy to see him sitting at
the bar, lamenting, yet acepting
the lack of her
hard pressed to see anything
that needs crit, but 2 very minor
things i thought
perhaps omit the 'she' in line 5?
and have 'or he does'
as a floating line?
for me, that line on its own, gives
weight to the thought
look forward to reading more
of your work
cheers
p,
CCfire
Sat, 2011-04-09 20:07
Thanks p
Yeah like both your suggestions, this was one that I felt very deeply and is about real life. Thanks for the visit to my work.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
CCfire
Sun, 2011-04-10 07:28
Yes it is superfluous I guess
Yes it is superfluous I guess but because of the curious nature of me, the inference is on the exact conversation so I feel it's necessary to leave but I will consider carefully should more think the same way :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche