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Hit
Supine, silent eyes jammed shut against
spew ridden daylight.
Disgorge and discharge, create a Technicolor yawn.
Sleep enshrouds weakened frame,
dull ache in the pit of stomach remains,
drowsiness a buttress.
Putrid nausea ebbs and flows
spasms of acrid pain,
wrap my brain in torment.
Imbibe Adam’s ale and consume the loathsome antidote
the process begins again,
spinning on the never ending wheel of anguish.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 07:23
Rosina
Thank you, trust me to make the usual mistakes.
Love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 07:21
Hallo Theo
Ditto lmao !!
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Geezer
Fri, 2011-05-06 08:45
Good one...
Lou. I know it will be really late, but hope that you can make it to the Darkside once in awhile. You have such a talent for it. Great write! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 10:06
Gee
Thank you I'll try.
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-05-06 10:48
Dear Lou,
In my mind's eye I could see a chronic drunkard's reality and how his or her life unfolds. Tragic but an awesome write! You just keep on getting darker!
Imbibe Adam’s ale and consume the loathsome antidote,
The process begins again,
Spinning on the never ending wheel of anguish..
Love, it!
Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 11:19
Cat
Thank you very much
Much love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 12:14
Shirl me girl
You are such a great support
Thank you
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Psyve
Fri, 2011-05-06 12:10
Lou,
I read this as a very graphic description of a chronic hangover... the morning after.
Nicely done.
Is Adam's ale a reference to cider ... perhaps a more generic reference to wine and alcohol? I like the allusion to Adam and the original sin i read into this choice of words, although I suspect your intent may have been different.
Psyve
lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 12:17
Psyve
Thank you, Adam's ale is actually another word for water, and the antidote is medication, this is supposed to be a poem about the problems I am having with my parkinsons diseae medication,
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Psyve
Fri, 2011-05-06 12:49
Lou,
I'm sorry, I guess I just misread it completely.
Hope your problems are alleviated soon, though I know the battle with Parkinsons is a long difficult one.
P.
lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 13:02
Psyve
Don't worry you are entitled to take from the poem what ever comes through to you,
I just wanted to express a little of how I feel, just because I often write about what I am experiencing or have experienced,
Thank. You
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Fri, 2011-05-06 12:24
lou
lou,
I am guessing this is about your medical condition and its effects on your daily life and emotional stress.
Very detailed account and all I would suggest is to add the first stanza of your poem to the end...like this:
Imbibe Adam’s ale and consume the loathsome antidote,
The process begins again,
Spinning on the never ending wheel of anguish...
...putrid nausea ebbs and flows
spasms of acrid pain,
wrap my brain in torment.
Just to emphasise the never-ending torment.
I wonder if 'Potion' is strong enough given the content...maybe something more aggressive?...just a thought.
Good stuff,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Fri, 2011-05-06 12:48
Dan
I think you are correct about the order of the stanzas, that is something I have been thinking about.
As for the title, I will give it some thought.
Thank you.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!