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shadow puppet
it exhausts me to follow you-
dark puddle on concrete
the stain of what you are
once a day
a light gently widens
with only a sky for company
gaze of sun diligently lingering
in the evening
our bodies
skin like paper
winter and bloom
our disappearance sudden with the night
witness me now
without you
flat and lifeless
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Thu, 2011-07-14 23:30
Chez
the profound hollowness is very perceptible in this piece...is the random structure deliberate to express commotion of thoughts?
raj (sublime_ocean)
CCfire
Sun, 2011-07-17 06:43
You're quite right Raj, this
You're quite right Raj, this was a jumble of a dream, random and incoherent thoughts that I scribbled down but then though perhaps it should stay that disconnected way as the dream intended.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
raj
Sun, 2011-07-17 06:47
so my perception about the
so my perception about the structure of this write was right..it certainly does justice to a dream of incoherent thoughts...
raj (sublime_ocean)