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Siren
Elegance, you were a descendant of evil, I swear
I never felt skin to the likes of yours
You were a drug, an addiction. I am in withdrawal
Manic, you were a child of a rainstorm, I swear
You were uncovered in a tomb of gold
I never held my heart from you. You are a caged bird
Infatuation, you were the sun on a winters day, I swear
I never felt radiance in another like you
You were a fire, burning glory. I am smoldering
Love, you were a selfish child with new toys, I swear
You held my head underwater
I left in a convenient way, blacked out. Our memories erased
Melancholy, you are the lullaby to my ears, I swear
I could never sleep again
You sang me to sleep before, a siren. Our hearts wept
Style / type:
Free verse
Editing stage:
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Comments
Race_9togo
Thu, 2011-09-08 00:44
Hello Washing,
How good this is.
I like the "I swear", it couples different meanings together so well.
A suggestion: instead of a full-stop in the last lines of each of the first three stanzas, try a semi-colon. This would not change the meaning, but would change the cadence, and link the two segemnts of the line more closely.
And, "winters" should be "winter's", perhaps?
A great read, thank you.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-10-18 17:06
Again, I can only truly
Again, I can only truly appreciate your mind and heart, WT.
~A
Ladderwords
Wed, 2011-10-19 00:16
Agreed with Jim about the, "I
Agreed with Jim about the, "I swear"s. Also, the ending , something about it, I can't put my finger on it, irks me. I'll have to come back for a second read. Thanks for sharing.
.
J.A. Fisher