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Three Drops in the River
Sitting on the bank
As life goes flowing by
In the direction of the sea
Each drop striking
Someone's passing dream
The rivers babblings
are the stories
Of lost dreams
no longer seen
On a fallen tree I sit
As three drops
Roll down my cheek
Releasing pain
that cannot be contained
rolling down my chin
Dropping upon the bank
Without the slightest splash
Slowly finding their way
Across the soil into the flow
Replaced are dreams
Of when young
With aged found logic
Of things I can achieve
Reaching down
I splash my face
With the waters of my new
Found grace
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Still working on this one, any suggestion will be appreciated
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Tue, 2011-04-19 19:21
howdy
I enjoyed the comparison of a river with passing time. I think I found Some typos :
L-5 someone's I think?
L-8 I think you mean Lost
L-14 contained
a few ideas also
L-17 try "without"
5th stanza has right words and thoughts, but may need to be rearranged to help clarity. Or could be my brain which needs rearranging lol. Regardless of all a very intriguing write................stan
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-04-19 19:33
Stan
I'm still working on this write, but I do appreciate the help.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
scribbler
Tue, 2011-04-19 19:38
hi
Do we ever truly "finish" a poem? lol............stan
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-04-19 19:42
Stan
for me the answer is never. words seem to constanly intrude on what is already wrtten
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
scribbler
Tue, 2011-04-19 22:23
yep
2 weeks ago I did an edit on 1st. poem I posted here. Birds of a feather................
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-04-19 22:36
Stan
respect to you and like thoughts.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
CCfire
Tue, 2011-04-19 23:41
Hey Eddie I quite like this,
Hey Eddie I quite like this, I think the line 'that would not be contained' seems long and intrusive and would work better as that cannot be contained' and perhaps the lost dreams no longer seen instead of using 'that' in the beginning of the line.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-04-19 23:49
Chez
Thanks, It's a good point yes it's much better that way.
if you get a chance read the Blog "A joke, True Story"
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-04-20 22:26
Rosi
thanks for the read, and the fab.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE