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POISON (Storytelling In Verse: Dramatic Verse)
I spit on the nerve of scums
who dare to dictate my life
when their hearts are lacking,
the strong will to strive.
Do they think I dance in the ring for fun
when I'm carving a future for my son?
I wish their prattle will cease
before they unleash the beast
and find my fist kissing their cheeks,
turning them into bleeding freaks.
,
I don't throw away a chance for victory.
I don't kiss anyone's ass.
I earned my dollars and pennies
I've shed my sweat
to be the best!
They are trapped in self -denial, ,
failing to name the poison
wrapping their hearts
in frustration and self-pity
and making them restless
when they witness
my achievements,
and feel like
worthless outcasts.
They cannot bear them
so they try to
undermine them
with cruel words.
but I didn't steal
the shiny belt I'm wearing
and I've worked hard for
the title I am carrying,
If only they can name the poison,
and seek self betterment
they'll find success in their own way.
and be freed from their mental prison
but jealousy can rob even the wisest man of his wits
and turn him into a hopeless dimwit!
Comments
swikmiller
Thu, 2014-09-04 00:53
poison
so heart-felt is this poem. in editing, the first recommend would be to bring everything to present tense or a gerund. The internal logic depends on that consistency. Your pronoun references are sometimes confusing. enjoyed. g.m.
alidzain
Thu, 2014-09-04 01:32
Hi there!
thank you for the visit and the feedback. I've done some edits and hope that this one sounds better.
Alid
lovedly
Thu, 2014-09-04 01:08
when their own life are????? in shambles,
when their own life are>>or may be
is
suits better
...... have an edit in shambles,
alidzain
Thu, 2014-09-04 01:33
hi loved
done the edits. What do you think?
Alid
Ian.T
Thu, 2014-09-04 19:21
Alid
This would be a good piece for Wesley's workshop.
Just the word CRUEL needs that "E" to make it real..
Take care a very good write here,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
alidzain
Thu, 2014-09-04 23:32
lol
Thanks, Ian. Dunno how I can missed that. The mind spells correctly but the fingers type wrongly.
Ald
Ian.T
Fri, 2014-09-05 04:00
Alid
You now have the monologue, for the introduction of the person sitting there as I have done.
Now we have to make it into a play by either sticking to the solitary person or bringing in others as a stage set to bear the brittle talk and temper of the one who is speaking here.
Picture as mine an old man beginning to rant at those who have mistreated him at sometime, now I can go two or more ways haven't thought about it yet, to go out and take revenge on the ones that have made me mad, or have them talk as they visit me one by one spilling my thoughts at them and hearing their answers.
We will see as each story set evolves, it will take at least another few scenes on the stage to show the outcome of the man sat there thinking, if you understand what I am driving toward for yours or mine..
Take care and good luck, Yours Ian.T
PS:- It will be interesting to se where we go from here, after you Alid, once I know which way you are going I will write my next scene, lol..
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Ian.T
Fri, 2014-09-05 04:00
Alid
You now have the monologue, for the introduction of the person sitting there as I have done.
Now we have to make it into a play by either sticking to the solitary person or bringing in others as a stage set to bear the brittle talk and temper of the one who is speaking here.
Picture as mine an old man beginning to rant at those who have mistreated him at sometime, now I can go two or more ways haven't thought about it yet, to go out and take revenge on the ones that have made me mad, or have them talk as they visit me one by one spilling my thoughts at them and hearing their answers.
We will see as each story set evolves, it will take at least another few scenes on the stage to show the outcome of the man sat there thinking, if you understand what I am driving toward for yours or mine..
Take care and good luck, Yours Ian.T
PS:- It will be interesting to se where we go from here, after you Alid, once I know which way you are going I will write my next scene, lol..
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
raj
Fri, 2014-09-05 01:16
Alid
Good monologues as Part I of Wesley's Workshop. I will look forward to Part II which I learn would dwell on the drama.
Best wishes,
raj (sublime_ocean)
wesley snow
Fri, 2014-09-05 11:40
First of all (and keep in mind I'm to be more critical)...
This is a good "poem". What I miss is a distinct character. This is the voice of the poet. Technically there are no flaws. It is a single voice speaking in the first person on a given subject (which by the way is a powerful one).
But there is no unique personality. It is Alid. If you read Loved's contribution you will notice she uses a language NEVER employed by her in any of her poems. It is a separate voice. Someone else other than the poet is speaking.
Without this separation of voices I fear you waste the form. The poem is good and certainly dramatic verse, but I would have liked to hear someone other than you speaking.
Does this make sense? I like the poem, but miss the "drama".
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Fri, 2014-09-05 11:52
Hi Sir
I think I understand. You want me to write as a first person but with different character. This is where I will need some suggestions and help. Let me think about it first. If I really can't, then I'll ask for help.
Alid
lovedly
Fri, 2014-09-05 12:57
grateful for the mention-- anonymoity takes no notice of gender
'''......If you read Loved's contribution you will notice....
she?????
uses a language
NEVER employed by
her.... in any of.... her.... poems. ....
It is a separate voice. Someone else other than the poet is speaking.....''' remarkable no!..
an anonymous actor of poetry
can compose in any form
irrespective of gender..
Like HG WELLS
Hope U KNOW
who?
now take the cue
will Alid you
spring from the springboard of time
and let all feel and know
u alone have sprung
and now spring
dear alidzaan
as an after thought
has any one here read
MACBETH ?
I perhaps was then the apparition
if in rebirth
u r to believe in
some day all will
Barbara Writes
Sat, 2014-09-06 01:28
I had Macbeth in my senior yr
I loved it so much. I got all "A" if storytelling is to be like Macbeth I think with some meditation I'll get this storytelling, dramatic verse, first person in a voice not my own. This aged sponge I have for a brain is softening. .
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
lovedly
Sat, 2014-09-06 14:21
in my seniors
I re-produced the whole of Macbeth
they gave me laurels
that's how i became
a poet
Barbara Writes
Sat, 2014-09-06 19:46
Loved
That's wonderful. I had to understand and explain plot. Even Remeo and Juliet was I did well but Macbeth has more of a lasting affect on.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
mand
Fri, 2014-09-05 12:02
Alid
You can do it! xxx :)
scribbler
Fri, 2014-09-05 17:55
Hi Alid
I would suggest assuming an identity that's a long way from your own then speak through the mouth belonging to it........stan BTW, I thought Wes was wanting rhyming poems?..........stan
Barbara Writes
Sat, 2014-09-06 01:30
Stan
This suggestion you gave Alid has made me more aware. Assuming a different identity. Sound easy enough but remains to be seen in me lol I will get this.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
alidzain
Sat, 2014-09-06 02:44
Stan
I think my problem here is assuming another's identity AND try to stay true to the theme. Any ideas?Really can't figure it out.
Alid
wesley snow
Fri, 2014-09-05 18:02
Not true stan.
Rhyme or not. Hamlet is blank verse. All I want is poetry.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Fri, 2014-09-05 18:19
well
that should make thing much easier for a lot of folks lol...stan
alidzain
Sat, 2014-09-06 03:52
Hi everyone!
I've followed Wes's advice and tweaked the poem so that I am writing as a boxer. Tell me what you think?
Alid
mand
Sat, 2014-09-06 05:28
See!
I knew you could do it! :) xxxx
Rula
Sat, 2014-09-06 08:48
Salam Khalid
Sorry for being late to yours ( am I over apologizing these days?) :)
Reading this, I imagined myself in one of the WWWE's shows.
It is definitely not Khalid's voice. I am not sure what is Wesley going to say about it, but I believe it is never easy to talk someone's else's voice, no matter how close to him/her.
For me and you, being unable to use a non-formal dialect makes it yet a bit harder.
Well done here!!
Ps. Last line "turns"..."turn"?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Sat, 2014-09-06 09:03
Salaam, Rula
the last line "turns". T he way i see it, jealousy is a singular emotion and it can still turns people into dimwits. lol.
Alid
Rula
Sat, 2014-09-06 09:08
Salam Khalid
"jealousy can rob even the wisest man of his wits
and turns him into a hopeless dimwit!"
Jealousy CAN "rob"............and "turn"........
The presence of and tells you should keep the infinitive, No "S"
can rob and can turn, unless I am missing somehting.
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alidzain
Sat, 2014-09-06 14:21
Salaam, Rula
I've done the edit.
Alid
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-09-06 13:36
A voice.
Singular and not that of the poet.
I told you it was easier than you thought.
Excellent soliloquy.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
eightmenout
Fri, 2014-09-12 13:55
Sorry to be late. Seems you
Sorry to be late. Seems you have taken critique and made it into a soliloquy. Good job.
Scott
alidzain
Fri, 2014-09-12 14:40
Hi Scott
Thanks for the visit and comments.
Alid