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Tree Fruitions...... revised twice thanks Judy
Tree Fruitions
Submitted by lovedly on Fri, 2015-01-16 16:58 ....Revised and REREVISED by Judy
I've heard it takes a tree
twenty years to bear quality fruit
I have taken five decades
and am still looking forward
to some juicy ones
yet a distance away
somewhere in the background
of a horizon far away
glad but I am
many still come my way
the fragrances of my love alone
sway many
and shall
for some time more
ere I pass
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Rula
Fri, 2015-01-16 15:53
interesting
thoughts are thrown in here. I especially liked the comparison and the title.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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lovedly
Fri, 2015-01-16 18:45
thank u rula
long tyme
no sea
mand
Fri, 2015-01-16 16:50
Lovedly
Enjoy the fruits of life while you can! life's too short to let them pass you by - this is the flavour of what you have written!
Love Mand xxxxxx
lovedly
Fri, 2015-01-16 23:19
so kind of you
to say so Mand
thanks
Sparrow
Fri, 2015-01-16 18:56
Loved
Good to see you back to writing good pieces, just have a loud read of this one and see if there are changes to be made ??
This could be excellent, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
lovedly
Sun, 2015-01-18 22:23
HELO IAN SPArrrrewwwwwwwwwww is this fine judys
I've heard it takes a tree
twenty years to bear quality fruit
I have taken five decades
and am still looking forward
to some juicy ones
yet a distance away
somewhere in the background
of a horizon far away
glad but I am
many still come my way
the fragrances of my love alone
sway many
and shall
for some time more
ere I pass
judyanne
Sat, 2015-01-17 12:26
i love this loved
some suggestions - just my opinion, remember...
as well as the suggested word order changes, i have put in brackets what i would remove
Very well said my friend!
(I say it) takes a tree
twenty years to bear quality fruit
I have taken five decades
and am still looking forwards
to some juicy ones
yet a distance away
somewhere in the background
of a horizon far, (far) away
glad but I am,
many still come my way,
the fragrance of my love alone
do many sway (? sways many? it seems smoother to my ear)
and shall
ere I pass (away, soon
now some day
here I may)
for some time more (stay
as my life
gradually ebbs away!!!)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Sat, 2015-01-17 12:22
that's the hand of a learned one
and
my grateful thanks Judy.
Some day you will be remembered by me
judyanne
Sat, 2015-01-17 12:30
you are welcome loved
You left the ending in i see
See what others think, but it is what i call waffling :)
(Lol - when i tell you you're waffling, remember?)
But it is only my opinion as you know...
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Sat, 2015-01-17 12:33
oh
Lol you just altered it as i was writing the above
(Giggles)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Sat, 2015-01-17 12:43
one more thing
Because i think this is so good it deserves the final polish
'the fragrance of my love
do many sway'
Grammar. Fragrance is single, so it needs to be
Either
'the fragrance of my love
does many sway'
Or
'the fragrances of my love
Do many sway'
(but i think i still prefer 'sways many' or 'sway many' (the pleural ) as it is otherwise the only old english used and seems (lol to me i stress) out of place
see what others think
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Sat, 2015-01-17 14:00
but friendly Judy
the ending appeared a bit abrupt to me
will u please re see
finally
and recompose it with all ur edits full version as i accept ALL ur conversions
as i get confused at places
thanks lady judy
and i am now posting another one
on happiness
judyanne
Sun, 2015-01-18 06:52
my edits
I've heard it takes a tree
twenty years to bear quality fruit
I have taken five decades
and am still looking forward
to some juicy ones
yet a distance away
somewhere in the background
of a horizon far away
glad but I am
many still come my way
the fragrances of my love alone
sway many
and shall
for some time more
ere I pass
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Sun, 2015-01-18 11:04
very good it does mine surpass
but in this form
who will me as a poet pass
will you Judy?
now tis yours
judyanne
Sun, 2015-01-18 11:10
no
It is yours loved
Every word and thought was in your original write
I just took out the waffle
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Sun, 2015-01-18 17:28
in a way some called me naive... and meant ''idiot''
you silently say
I poetise waffle
as this a sample ....hahahahhaaaa
well facts must be eschewed
if not chewed
thanks for ur kindness
Judy
Geremia
Mon, 2015-01-19 08:58
Beautifully written ,my
Beautifully written ,my friend.
joe
lovedly
Mon, 2015-01-19 09:32
I was wondering, friendly Joe
where has your response gone
why are you silent
it made me worry
so now I hope
you are well
dear Joe
Geremia
Mon, 2015-01-19 09:39
Each day gets harder,
Each day gets harder,
lovedly
Mon, 2015-01-19 09:43
this is the final version as we all are like trees
I've heard it takes a tree
twenty years to bear quality fruit
I have taken five decades
and am still looking forward
to some juicy ones
yet a distance away
somewhere in the background
of a horizon far away
glad but I am
many still come my way
the fragrances of my love alone
sway many
and shall
for some time more
ere I pass