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purpose
alive, and do tomorrow, isn’t fixed
as none have knowledge when their time will be
for every dawn the world is missing some
and empty chairs at tables multiply
and so departures keep on through the years
and many times the cut is close to home
my greatest fear I’ll share with you today
to still be here when all I love have gone
but somehow comes new life, new friends, new fancies
as through this world we travel on our quest
and meetings, partings mayhap have a purpose
the separation cycle may exist
to show the order underlying chaos
the new beginning there in every end
.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
alidzain
Tue, 2015-02-24 12:01
Hi Judy
This one is a lovely peek at life. Nice theme.
Alid
judyanne
Wed, 2015-02-25 04:55
thamks Alid
- no comment about the sonnet?
I really would like your opinion - you know enough about them now after the WS
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
alidzain
Wed, 2015-02-25 05:30
Judy
I wished I could but there are some words that I need to recheck wether it is stressed or not. One good example is in my own poem " A Message To A Friend, following Rula's suggestion. I always thought that words in past tense are stressed but Rula suggested the word "stretched" as one of the unstressed. then words "like", even though I used them as unstressed, I am still uncertain. I still have a long way to go before I am comfortable and confident in this form.
I would say however I like the way your volta flows smoothly in this piece.
Alid
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 06:41
i think Rula
was possibly tired and mis-stressed 'stretched'
I would say it would in most cases, if not all, be stressed
I'd have to think a bit about the idea that all past tense words are stressed or not... but I do think you have to be careful with 'rules'..... in the English language, especially, there are many exceptions.... a contrary animal, the English language :)
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Fri, 2015-02-27 07:09
to Khalid
I think I said and stressed on the fact that ALL verbs are STRESSED.
Can you lead me to where I said this Khalid, please?
There are cases where the suffix (the add to the word) is unstressed, like for example
PRESENTed- but streched is absolutely a one STRESSED syllable word. :)
A word like "like" can be both, a functional word to mean "as", then it is unstressed
but if it is a verb like in " I like to read" it is then again a verb, and it is stressed.
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Rula
Fri, 2015-02-27 07:16
Here Khalid is my scansion
https://www.neopoet.com/comment/117645#comment-117645
However this doesn't mean I don't make unintentional mistakes :)
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alidzain
Fri, 2015-02-27 13:17
Sorry, Rula
my mistake. Its not stretched but the word before it in that comment. "ravaged" Its in the same comment.
Alid
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 20:56
well there you are Alid
That's a worthwhile crit - that you felt the volta flowed. One always needs to know if the volta is strong enough, so it was helpful. You don't necessarily need to crit the stress - just crit what you know.
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Tue, 2015-02-24 12:03
I tried reading this aloud
because it sounded perfect to my inner ear. I'm trying really hard to be the Shark I invented. I'm sure if I parsed this properly I could find an imperfection, but parsing is boring, hard work, and to my inner and outer ear this is perfect.
My only problem is the reference to riverJordan, such a prosaic mythological reference has no place in a poem as sensitive and attuned as this is.
Wonderful work.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/purpose-by-judyanne
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Wed, 2015-02-25 04:59
thank you very much Jess
for the soundcloud read
and for the supportive comment
I didn't like that line either - don't know what got into me - I've changed it
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Roscoe Lane
Wed, 2015-02-25 05:06
Loved reading,
Loved reading and hearing Jess read this poem, excellent, Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 06:12
hi Roscoe
Thank you very much
I'm actually a bit surprised people like it as I really wasn't sure the theme wasn't a bit 'oh yeah so what' .... so glad you liked this
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Wed, 2015-02-25 11:42
Judyanne
Some take aways for me from this sonnet:-
1. Clever use of new 3 times in one verse
2. using "mayhap" I never knew such a fusion of may happen is valid
what else can i say? one more lesson in sonnet from a sonneteur (is that a valid word?) ...i care not if it is or not..it certainly expresses what i mean...:)
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 06:17
thank you Raj
You are so more than kind to me
And I'm glad that you got some tips with my work - that is a very big compliment
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Sparrow
Wed, 2015-02-25 19:20
Judyanne
This one is great and a joy to read, the subject is a passing phase we all have, how will I cope IF.
Then you realise that there is a continuance to life or even after. the junction is most times not seen or felt, just a transition to another place.
Take care, yours as always, Ian
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 06:28
hi aian
Thank so much for the read and lovely comment
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Wed, 2015-02-25 19:35
At first read... I thought twas a sonnet like
then I reread it
and found twas
great views of coming dawns
newer morns
and freshly born
when within us our life has gone
at times we will be the last forlorn
but then destiny preordained
cannot be torn
do convert my waffle
if you may
as a sonnet
some day
one day
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 06:30
seriously?
I would love to convert one of your poems to a sonnet loved
Thanks for the visit
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Fri, 2015-02-27 13:36
i was looking for such an offer
read my latest here
''thorn of rose'''
this has been applauded by most
you may squeeze in
a sonnet of it
if you have another in mind
please do it
Rula
Fri, 2015-02-27 07:20
Judy
a touching blank verse sonnet. I see the workshop has increased your appetite for sonnets. I am unable to fairly comment on them. Lol.
No suggestions BTW. One line with a half foot more only, but who cares when the write is soooooo beautiful.
Keep penning. I am enjoying every read. " I can read the write" LOL
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judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 07:28
elizabethan Rula
feminine lines - quite legal.
in fact used for purpose - to make the reader pause, usually
you must not be so anti them.... they are useful, and I use them a lot
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Fri, 2015-02-27 07:36
yes dear
when used in the right place, it is very useful. I might not have mentioned this in the workshop for a purpose. We wanted everyone to know the strict form of it before breaking the rules.
Thank you.
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Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
judyanne
Fri, 2015-02-27 08:05
yes
I knew that - it was mentioned a few times
but this isn't in the WS ;)
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2015-02-27 09:35
Well
I throw up my hands in despair lol. You make it seem so darn easy. I didn't even realize it was a sonnet until I saw that rhyming couplet at the end. But I have one suggestion anyway. In line one my mind says the only comma needed is between do and tomorrow (unless you are using punctuation to manipulate stresses). Liked the subject and the poem.............stan
judyanne
Sat, 2015-02-28 01:16
thanks Stan
for the great and supportive comment
I'm not really sure that I need a comma there... I try to avoid as much punctuation as I can... I'll think on it - maybe someone else will give an opinion on that....
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
wesley snow
Fri, 2015-02-27 15:12
Wow.
I mean, like, wow.
This is what happens when we master the form and then allow license to speak what we intended.
This is beautiful and I have no problems with it poetically.
Also, my father in law (whom I love) is 92 and healthy. It's cutting close soon.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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judyanne
Sat, 2015-02-28 01:17
Wesley
I'm blushing
Thank you very much
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Fri, 2015-02-27 17:33
just in case u missed it lost in midstream mid ocean Judy
i was looking for such an offer
read my latest here
''thorn of rose'''
this has been applauded by most
you may squeeze in
a sonnet of it
if you have another in mind
please do it
judyanne
Sat, 2015-02-28 01:25
done
All done - on 'a beautiful life going waste'
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)