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Only on Loan ( titles WS)
My fingertips explore soft, silky strands
that loop in auburn curls, all tinged with gold,
and tangle, oh so gently, in my hands,
as if they never want let go their hold.
I stare in pure, adoring, dumb devotion,
believing, truly, heaven here has come,
while sinking into double depths of ocean
that seem to say, 'I'll never leave you Mum.'
Those locks will lose their velvet quality,
those dark blue eyes will turn a graver grey,
as Old Time flits his digits over me
and bring us to the day you'll go away.
Until then, while you're tiny, I will scheme;
make wishes on which we can build a dream.
.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
alidzain
Sun, 2015-05-03 03:38
Judy
this poem is clearly about a mother's feelings towards her baby. How about "Mummy's Little One"?
Alid
Rula
Sun, 2015-05-03 04:05
A cool sonnet Judy
yes, a bit dark, but I like it for that touch.
"Angels Never Grow Old" is the first to come to my mind as soon as I finished reading.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Sun, 2015-05-03 05:01
a nice "silky dream" spun
a nice "silky dream" spun skillfully ...liked the opening line establish the bond between mother and child
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
China Blue
Sun, 2015-05-03 08:15
JudyAnne
first stanza last line insert to I think?
Pools of blue and Auburn curls
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Sparrow
Sun, 2015-05-03 19:38
Judy
"No Other Love" would seem to fit the bill, for a child or someone that means so much, I am so late I have to make this short..
Take care,
Yours, Ian xx
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Sun, 2015-05-03 22:05
Here's another
''Cradling Love".
Alid
scribbler
Sun, 2015-05-03 22:21
Hi Judy
You just can't help assaulting me with sonnets can you? lol.I'm pretty sure I know what this is based on and that might give me an unfair advantage but here goes anyway.....how about " Unrealized"
scribbler
Sun, 2015-05-03 22:22
Hi Judy
double post
emeka ozurumba
Tue, 2015-05-05 08:01
perfect poem
those working in a hospital , recommend that this be read to every newborn, i work in a hospital , this poem is so benign and tenderly
judyanne
Wed, 2015-05-06 12:25
thank you everybody
This is a difficult one. I like your suggestions, but they still miss the mark for me.... I really am stuck here - can't think of a title that really suits... so still looking ( hint, hint ) lol
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Sat, 2015-05-16 23:00
better late than never
I finally thought of a title ... what do you think?
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2015-05-17 09:53
I think
it's great. We never know When a loan might be called in.......stan
judyanne
Tue, 2015-05-19 21:00
thanks Stan
It took a lot of thought, this one, but I am happy with the result...
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)