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Bamboozled or an elaborate scheme
In the darkness of the unseen
Predatory, it lays in Wait
Hidden on a mental screen
Playing all the buried hate
Expounding on every fear
Growling, Licking its lips
In the eyes a menacing Lear
Awaiting to take little nips
Destroying life as it's known
In many bits and pieces
Just to hear agonies moan
As an unwritten thesis
Now at the moment of death
Realizing it is the final ride
Waiting for that last breath
Knowing nowhere to hide
Is it just Retarded
To think there's something after
No return, for the departed
All that is heard is laughter
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Keith Logan
Tue, 2016-04-12 10:11
not sure
but this sounds possibly like a suicidal depression. a person is more in need of help for these mental disorders than those physical types that entrap me.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
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Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2016-04-12 14:50
Keith,
No suicide, a realization when death comes that God or king can not help. No heaven no hell, very far from suicide, knowing that there is nothing after who wants to die. this is the grim reaper coming to make a house call.
Thanks for the read, if that's how you perceived it that's good. Now it has become two poems.
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
weirdelf
Tue, 2016-04-12 12:50
I really like this but I'm not sure why.
A few typos you could fix like
In the eyes a menacing Lear [Leer? or is it a Shakespearean reference?]
A waiting to take little nips [Awaiting, one word]
Is it just Re-tarted [did you mean Retarded or tarted up?]
Yeah, I do like it, the rhyming scheme, the scansion could be tweaked but it really doesn't matter. Especially I like the tone and meaning.
cheers,
Jess
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'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2016-04-12 14:49
Jess,
Thanks for the eagle eye, Wow, I didn't think anyone would get the Shakespearean reference.
Good for you, Respect.
Thanks for the read and liking it.
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE