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From A Slice Of Bread
A slice of bread
that I split and shared,
fills me with delight
for I gained a new friend
when offered
as a gift
from the heart.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Sat, 2016-06-04 12:46
Few understand
The delight of sharing things with others. I believe you really do and it shows well through your words brother.
Simple but v. true!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
alidzain
Sat, 2016-06-04 14:52
Salam, Rula
Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment.
Alid
brittle light
Sat, 2016-06-04 16:46
Hi, Alid
a slice of bread,
split and shared,
filled me with delight,
as I gained a new friend
I couldn't help myself...the idea of the poem grabbed me.
but it felt it a little wordy,
you shared, and were delighted...why did it have to be 'turned' into a gift of the heart...it already was
I hope I haven't disrespected any boundaries by re-writing YOUR poem.
I thought it easier this way than trying to explain how I saw it.
these are, obviously just suggestions, for your contemplation.
sincerely,
Al
alidzain
Sun, 2016-06-05 11:37
Hi Al
Good critic. I don't feel disrespected.
The reason why I put that verse is because not everyone give from the heart or should I say sincerely. Some people they wanted recognition in return. I've met with this type of people before.and they keep thinking they give so much and get little in return. These people help others but they are NOT happy people, I tell ya. lol.
Thanks for the read and critic. I'll think about it.
Alid
brittle light
Sun, 2016-06-05 15:38
then, how about "when
then, how about "when 'offered' as a gift from the heart"
You know best how to write and edit your poems.
I'll still love this piece whatever you decide to do
Al
alidzain
Sun, 2016-06-05 15:35
yap
Sounds better, Al. Thanks.
Alid
China Blue
Sat, 2016-06-04 17:23
Alid
simply stated yet deeply felt
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
alidzain
Sun, 2016-06-05 11:39
Chrys!
It's been a while since I've last from you. Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment.
Alid
jane210660
Sun, 2016-06-05 03:02
Beautiful sentiment. Jx
Beautiful sentiment. Jx
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alidzain
Sun, 2016-06-05 11:40
Hi Jane
Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment.
Alid
mand
Sun, 2016-06-05 15:32
Hi Alid
Beautiful with a powerful message. :)
Thanks for sharing.
Love Mand xxxx
alidzain
Sun, 2016-06-05 15:37
Hi mand
Thanks for dropping by. Hope everything better with you and your family.
Alid
mand
Sun, 2016-06-05 15:50
Thank you Alid
I hope everything is well with you too! :)
Love and peace to you!
Mand xx