Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
You
Your verbal blows
beat me about the head
Nerve endings close to the surface
Pain engulfs me.
Eyes bore into me
I feel you know just what will hurt me,
And you pluck every string
And play every note
With the precision of a surgeon
You cut my heart right out
Of my chest,
and bring me to my knees.
I'm left vulnerable and bleeding
Amongst the remnants of our
Love
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Timbo
Sat, 2011-01-22 06:51
very powerful and almost
very powerful and almost emotionally painful to read. good write, well done.
I hope it's not based on what's happened to you!
take care.
Tim
lou
Sat, 2011-01-22 07:17
Tim
The poem is really a combination of a couple of relationships. I'm glad you liked it.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-01-22 06:59
Lou
Lou,
this write is very similar in style and theme to our recent co-writes - did they help inspire this one or was this one a separate idea?
I have to say I do like this one - as always "in your face" approach which has become your trademark...and few come to close to that style and approach.
Loved the concluding line:
I'm left vulnerable and bleeding
Amongst the remnants of our
Love
One thing, line one has a capital 'V' for 'verbal' and the second line has a space right at the beginning. Sorry for mentioning it but my OCD clicked in and took over my typing hands! Lol!
Very good poem my friend,
HS
--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Sat, 2011-01-22 07:34
HS
HS,
The similarity to our recent co-writes was sub-concious, it must just be where my head is at, right now.
You are right, I do have 'in your face,' style, i have never thought of it that way myself, I have always felt i'm just expressing how i feel, but i can see what your saying.
i'm really pleased that you enjoyed the last line, i know you like a touch of GBH in your poems lol
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-01-22 08:08
Lou
Lou,
I think our next co-write should be called GBH?
You didn't mention the capital 'V'...you're sending my OCD wild here and I am chewing tin foil to relieve the stress!
regards,
HS
--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Sat, 2011-01-22 08:38
HS
HS
GBH would be a good title, for our next co-write. I can think of a couple of people i'd like to commit GBH on.
Chew no more, i'll change the v.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-01-22 08:43
Lou
Lou,
I have moved on from the tin foil and am now running my fingernails down the blackboard...because you still have a space at the beginning of line two!!
This has been a very stressful poem for me!!
Lol!
HS
--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Sat, 2011-01-22 08:55
AWW
Well let me soothe your worries away, i'll sort it out now.
lol
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Sat, 2011-01-22 08:03
Lou, did you mean to
Lou, did you mean to capitalize *Verbal*? I don't think it calls for it. And for me, I would have preferred to see the poem end with the 2nd last stanza. Imo, "and bring me to my knees" condenses what the end paragraph removes with its presence. I'm reminded of the images in Apocalypto and The Last of the Mohicans.
(Use the last paragraph as a part 2 or the beginning of another poem, this one could be one in the series of a finished book of poetry?)
~A
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-01-25 12:01
Sweet Lou,
With the precision of a surgeon
You cut my heart right out
Of my chest,
and bring me to my knees.
I'm left vulnerable and bleeding
Amongst the remnants of our
Love
I wish I had written this! I've been there, also with friendship, not just with a lover. This piece grips me right from the start.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
lou
Tue, 2011-01-25 13:51
Cat
Thank you so much
love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!